Last night on American Idol the thirteen contestants sang any song they wanted by a performer they idolize. We got to hear some Celine Dion, Ryan Adams, Garth Brooks ... and Rhianna. Pia Toscano proved once again that she's kind of a big deal and Casey Abrams reminded me that I need to add more Bill Withers and Joe Cocker into my karaoke rolodex. But the rest? But the rest.
I don't even know where to begin. Wait, that's not true. Let's start with how we're all geniuses, and deserve an apology.
Naima, Stefano, and Ashthon were by far the worst of the bunch last night. And guess who had voted them off during Hollywood week? That's right, we did. We the American public had said 'thanks, but no thanks' to these "singers" but the judges just didn't get it. They saved this tone-deaf trio of doom and we all paid for it last night, didn't we. DIDN'T WE. Clearly we all know a little more than the judges this season and I think the need to own up to this horrible mistake.
Anyway, here's what went down, in order of appearance.
Lauren Alaina: Sang Shania Twain's "Any Man of Mine" and it sounded great because Lauren is an effortless singer, but I was distracted, once again, by her hideous outfit. Will someone please remind her she's on Idol and not Toddlers and Tiaras? She dresses like a trampy three-year-old.
Casey Abrams: Sang "With A Little Help From My Friends", a Joe Cocker cover of a Beatle's tune. If you're picturing Kevin Arnold in his Jets jacket right now, good -- so am I and I'm glad to know other Wonder Years fans are still out there. It was a great way to start off the show and I give him an A minus -- I wanted a little more writhing.
Ashthon Jones: Sang "When You Tell Me That You Love Me" by, duh, Diana Ross. We get it, Ashthon you like Diana Ross. We assumed that when we first saw your 'fro, so apparently you love beating dead horses. The song was a mess. I hardly recognized it. I don't know which I hated more, her singing or ... nope, definitely hated her singing more than anything.
Paul McDonald: Paul chose one of my favorite songs of all time, "Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams. Dressed in a Sargent Pepper jacket and, sigh, untied bow tie, Paul sashayed around the stage, white teeth a blazing, slaughtering one of the darkest Adams tunes out there. How he was able to even crack a smile while singing that song is a travesty and an embarrassment. Another travesty and embarrassment? J. Lo admitted she doesn''t know who Ryan Adams is. J. Lo, do yourself a favor and download albums "Cold Roses" and "Heartbreaker" to start with then call me to discuss how they've changed your life. Oh and Paul? You suck.
Pia Toscano: Sang "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen via Celine Dion via Bridget Jones. It. Was. Impressive.
James Durbin: Sang Paul McCartney's "Maybe I'm Amazed" and I liked this side of him. I'm not a fan of the scream-n-sing, so it was nice to hear him display some talent and softness.
Haley Reinhart: Leanna Rime's "Blue" called, it wants its yodel back. I find her incredibly annoying and I don't know why. She's hard to look at for some reason. Just me?
Jacob Lusk: "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly. He started out fine and then ... cue the Gosepl choir! Too early to pull that out, my man. Too early. He's like Sister Mary Clarence from Sister Act.
Thia Megia: Sang "Smile" by Charlie Chaplin and Michael Jackson. That was awkward. I love Thia but that sounded bizarre. Oh and those interviews backstage after the kids get off stage? Those seemed superfluous. I don't need to see Thia cry after blowing her chance, I'm too fragile for that.
Stefano Lugano: Sang "Lately" by Stevie Wonder. I fast-forwarded once I saw his eyebrows start to get going. Did you see those things move? It was like they were independent from his body.
Karen Rodriguez: Sang Selena's "I Could Fall in Love." Hey Karen, are you Latina? I couldn't tell from your Spanglish songs or your Selena inspired outfits and song choices. Is J. Lo getting creeped out yet? It's a little obvious that Karen is trying to be J. Lo's mentee and desperation does not smell good. The song was a C.
Scotty McCreery: Sang Garth Brooks' "The River". He started out talking about how much he missed his high school baseball team back home and that's all I needed to hear. He is so lovable, but really needs to work on that singing-out-the-side of his mouth thing. It's like he's doing a Katie Holmes impersonation.
Naima Adedapo: Sang Rhianna's "Umbrella." Wait, is she Jamaican? What just happened? Simon would have absolutely hated this performance, as did I. The rapping? The weird spin moves? A complete mess. All I heard was her trying to catch her breath in the mic.
I think Ashthon will be sent home tonight. And may offer another "kudos" to us all for voting her off the first time.
What did you think of last night's show?
Photo via americanidol.com