'Glee' Recap: Gwyneth Paltrow Version of Sexy Hits Awfully Close to Home

Jeanne Sager

Gwyneth Paltrow GleeWho'd have thunk it? Sassy substitute teacher Holly Holliday, aka Gwyneth Paltrow, comes back to Glee to play a sex ed. teacher, and suddenly everyone's favorite fluffy musical comedy is giving us answers. Deep, dark, cherry-pie as metaphor answers. Gleeks, we sank our teeth in tonight, and it was self-revealing?

The writers named tonight's episode "Sexy," but that was just because "everyone's confused about their sexuality" was too ambiguous. And perhaps a bit too close to home for Americans? So let's wade in. Because thanks to Holly Holliday, Gleek sexuality was both the funniest and most human we've seen in 2011. And it gave us all a little look at who we are inside:

Not sure where you fit? You're Brittany and Santana: FINALLY. The question of "are they" or "aren't they" is answered. There is a relationship between these kiss-crazy Cheerios! No labels needed (Santana would prefer labels remain on her clothes, thank you very much), but the "maybe lesbians" don't just do body shots off each other. They've got feelings for one another with a capital F. If Santana wasn't afraid of being the new outcast (aka Kurt), and Brittany didn't have too big a heart to break her boyfriend's heart ... let's just say we'd be slapping another prize on the writers' backs for granting the LGBT crowd some primetime coverage. Sexual exploration for the win!

In love and in denial? You're Emma Pillsbury-Howell: Four months of marriage to John Stamos and no sex? Really Emma? He's Uncle Jesse and you're still at the cuddling stage (or as he says, cuddle monsters)? It's no wonder she's heading up the new version of the McKinley High Celibacy Club. She needs to feel like she's not alone ... especially now that John Stamos has taken off for the Radisson while his bride figures out if she wants to open her legs for Mr. Schue or get on with her marriage. Paging Ms. Pillsbury? Saving it for another man is not the same as saving it for marriage.

Rekindling an old affair? You're Finn and Quinn: Faker, faker, belly-acher, the star pupil of celibacy club is hanging out in Finn's bed. Good thing he had a little talk with Ms. Holliday, because last we checked, Finn still thought you could knock a girl up by hanging out in a hot tub. Paging Trojan Man? These two are fated ... if only because those names just roll off the tongue.

Starting a new love? You're Puckerman and Zizes: The man slut has met his match, and its name is the law. Ms. Holliday warns that making a sex tape will more likely land the duo in jail than land Zizes a contract with the perfume companies as the next Kardashian selling her scents. End hottest Glee moment yet, immediately. No sex for Noah and Lauren -- because this is a lady who wants to get something out of all her actions. So what's a spurned sexual deviant to do but join the celibacy club? Best laugh of the night, perhaps, but oh Puck, didn't you hear what Ms. Holliday said? She thinks celibacy for teens is like "saying vegetarianism is realistic for lions." And she has the Manwhore of McKinley in mind when she said it. We see these two getting dirty in 3, 2, 1 ...

Still Too Afraid to Open Up Your Heart? You're Kurt: Ahem. Mr. Never Been Kissed Except by a Creep in the Closet still turns red when he sings a sexy song. Paging Daddy to the rescue! Burt Hummel proved for the gazillionth time that he's the best dad in primetime when he tried to have a sex talk with his gay son, and ended up with the perfect parental approach to any kid: "Don't throw it around like you don't matter, because you matter." Kurt, keep on keeping on, you've got the purest heart on Glee, and your dad is right, you deserve the moon. Here's hoping Blaine knows how to bring it on down to you.

Totally Disastrous at Love? You're Mr. Schue and Holly Holliday: As Gwyneth, er, Holly, said, "You don't want any of this. I break nice guys like you into Wassa crackers. You married your high school sweetheart and then you dated a virgin." And yet he's trying to woo her. What does that say about love? Oh yeah, that Mr. Schue still hasn't got it figured out. Back away from the temporary substitute teacher, and no one will get hurt, Mr. Schue! We hear a certain guidance counselor has yet to consummate her marriage.

As for the music, I sit corrected. I knew from the time I heard the previews that I'd be a goner for the reprisal of Prince's "Kiss," but "Landslide" by Holly, Santana, and Brittany was the sleeper hit of the night. Because that's what love is, isn't it? A landslide that totally snows you? It may just have beat out Emma and the Celibacy club singing "Afternoon Delight" with those cherry pie images in the background. Hey, I said may!

Which relationship did you recognize yourself in tonight? Which one do you see blossoming? 

Image via Fox

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