'American Idol' Recap: What Would Simon Do?

Lindsay Mannering

American IdolOn American Idol last night, the top 12 boys took the stage to sing for our vote. Did you vote online? It was pretty simple, and there was no waiting, which was nice. However, I did have a hard time choosing whom to vote for because everyone sucked. That was possibly the worst night of Idol performances I have ever had the displeasure of suffering through. I wanted to un-vote for all of them, even though we only have the judges to blame for this monstrosity of music.

Worst part? The judges didn't speak up. Randy was occasionally critical, but he didn't tell it like it is. Let me tell you what Simon would have done.

He might have taken out the shotgun secured to the bottom of the judges' table and blown his head off. I MEAN COME ON ... sorry, I'm getting angry and I'm starting to yell.  Deep breaths.

Who was good last night. Let me start there. Anyone? OK Casey Abrams. Anyone else? No. I will give props to the Idol producers for putting Clint, Jovany, and Jordan first. They are unlikeable characters and no one ever remembers the guys that go first -- so they're clearly going home. Jovany reminds me of that ugly Backstreet Boy, who no one knew why he was in the group or why he kept winking.

Anyway, Simon would have massacred these kids. I honestly think he would have stood up, yelled, and gotten in their faces like Bobby Knight. Maybe thrown a chair or two. The boys were an embarrassment to the Idol process. This is what he would've said for each kid. Please read with British accent.

  • Clint: You are creepy and I don't know if you are a human or a troll. You seem very self-centered and no one likes you. And no one likes your screaming, which you call singing.
  • Jovany: It was all very hokey -- your tight shirt and pants, the winks -- the song was predictable and safe and you didn't even sing it well.
  • Jordan: (Gets on stage, slaps Jordan across the face, drags him off by ear.)
  • Jim: Honestly, I couldn't hear you. You were too soft and the song was a terrible choice. You might get through because you are good looking, but based on that performance, you should go home.
  • Brett: Your hair is absolutely ridiculous. You have a good attitude, which is worth something, but the song was just OK for me. The flames behind you were also absolutely ridiculous. Right, Ryan?
  • James: It was good. Very "Adam Lambert," which is too bad for you, but it wasn't horrible. I didn't hate it. But enough with that rocker symbol you keep doing with your hands. It's forced and we all can see you're out of your element up there.
  • Robbie: You look like a Muppet and I'm constantly peeking behind you to see if I can see the puppeteer with his arm up your ass. And why did you sing the girliest song on the planet? Sarah McLachlan was an abysmal choice.
  • Scotty: The song was actually quite good, but you have this Katie Holmes, Drew Barrymore way of talking out the side of your mouth, and it's very distracting. I also half-expected you to open your mouth and sing "baby lock them doors" so it was nice to hear something new for a change.
  • Stefano: My ears are bleeding and you are shorter than Ryan. Two strikes.
  • Paul: I don't know what to make of you, Paul. The awkward dancing, the too-white smile, the affected voice -- I have no idea what's going on up there, or if you are a man or a woman.
  • Jacob: Great song choice, great performance, but sometimes I wonder if you are just Eddie Murphy dressed up in a fat suit, like he did for Nutty Professor. You somehow are able to remind me of a grandmother, too. You're very confusing to me.
  • Casey: I liked it OK, but it seemed like you were joking with it -- like you weren't taking it seriously, which is OK, but will detract from any real talent you have. And I disagree with J. Lo, you are not sexy at all.

Here's who I think will be in the top six: Casey, Scotty, Brett, Stefano, Jacob, and Tim.

I'm almost too scared to watch the girls tonight, but I think they'll be better. They HAVE to be better.

Who's your top 6 guys?

Photo via americanidol.com

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