Welcome to tonight's episode of the Charlie Sheen Show. Tonight, Charlie shops around a memoir. The asking price? At least $10 million. Sheen recently told TMZ (his new BFF) that he's expecting a bidding war over the book -- which he plans to call When the Laughter Stopped -- a tell all about the real goings on behind his recently cancelled show Two and a Half Men. Ten million dollars? If his anti-Semitic rants about his old boss Chuck Lorre and his claims of magic and F-18-like power didn't clue us in on Sheen's delusions of grandeur, then this surely does.
Why would anybody pay this guy $10 million to tell us his story, when we all already know it -- for free. Here's the rundown:
Charlie Sheen (Carlos Irwin Estévez) was born on September 3, 1965 to a Hollywood family (his dad, Martin Sheen, and three brothers -- Emilio Estevez, Renee Estevez, and Ramon Estevez -- are all actors). Sheen grew up (well, technically) and had a pretty amazing career. He starred in such films as Platoon, Wall Street, Young Guns, and Major League, as well as on the award-winning television series Two and a Half Men.
Off-screen, Charlie had a rep as a hard-partying, womanizer. In 1990, he accidentally shot his then-fiance Kelly Preston in the arm. In 1995, he testified at the trial of Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, and admitted to spending nearly $50,000 on 27 of Fleiss' $2,500-a-night prostitutes. And his penchant for the working girl -- or drugs or violence against women -- hasn't dimmed since. He's OD'd and been in and out of rehab (and jail). Last fall, if you remember, a hooker/porn star he was partying with was found locked in the closet of the Plaza Hotel room Sheen had trashed in a drunken stupor. And just last week, Charlie was vacationing in the Bahamas with a crew of "goddesses." He's still on the booze and the drugs -- although according to him it's no problem because he's cured himself "with [his] mind."
To be fair Charlie isn't all about drinking, drugs, and porn stars. The guy's a family man. He's been married three times. And while all of his marriages ended in divorce, he's still quite close to wife #2 (Denise Richards) with whom he recently dined -- accompanied by a porn star girlfriend, a pocket of coke, and according to some reports, his two little girls. He's also pals with wife #3 (Brooke Mueller), who just moved herself and their twin boys back in with Charlie and a bunch of his porn star roomies. It's so nice to see how everyone gets along for the sake of the kids -- especially after that unpleasant little incident on Christmas 2009 when Mueller alleged that Charlie threatened to kill her with a knife. Bygones.
The only one Sheen hasn't been able to patch things up with so far is his former boss Chuck Lorre, whom he pissed off (to say the least) last week, when he lobbed some anti-semitic insults at the guy via the platforms of TMZ and the Alex Jones Show. But it's still early. For all we know, by next week Lorre could be living with Charlie and Brooke and the twins and a bevy of porn star hooker goddesses in a big house on an island somewhere.
See what I'm saying? Is there anything about this guy that we don't know yet? Why would we buy his book when we can read TMZ and Star magazine?
Oh, and you can be certain this isn't the last we've heard from Charlie. In fact, this Tuesday night, he'll be appearing on A Special Edition of 20/20 -- The Charlie Sheen Interview. It's Sheen's first TV interview since CBS cancelled Two and a Half Men and you just know it's going to be juicy. So grab your popcorn and cozy up to the TV. But don't worry, if you need a Charlie Sheen fix between now and then, you're not likely to be disappointed.
Would you buy Charlie Sheen's memoir? Will you watch the 20/20 interview Tuesday night?