Charlie SheenOh, Charlie Sheen, if you're not actively snorting coke off your top lip while sucking bourbon through a triple curly straw right now, then shoot me in the eye.
Have you heard Sheen's latest interview rant on The Alex Jones Show? He sounds like a complete lunatic! He verbally obliterates the Two and a Half Men creator, talks of curing his addictions with his own belligerent mind, rips on Alcoholics Anonymous, and, in a long list of maniacal, befuddled, stream-of-conscious sentences, basically accuses the world of just wanting the "winning" life that he has.
Cue delusions of grandeur ... and away we go!
Wow ... I mean, I guess some folks might be jealous of his ginormous bankroll or how often he gets to be sh*tfaced and screw pretty porn stars -- even if he must pay them in cash, drugs, or trips to the Bahamas to keep his company. But then there are the rest of us. Those of us who are not really all that jealous of his ability to sound completely off his rocker, speak in delusional fantasies, shame his family and his kids with his bad behavior, and stare death by addiction square in the face, day after day.
Or maybe I've got it all wrong ... Here's the radio rant in a nutshell so you may decide whether or not you're jealous of Charlie Sheen's winning-dom.
On his failed marriages, the new women, or "goddesses," in his life, and their beautiful arrangement of "I'll supply the coke; you supply the booty," Sheen says:
I'm over, through with marriage. Like in baseball, "The score board doesn't lie." Never has. So what [the goddesses and I] have is a marriage of the heart, of the hearts. To sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this union with a shameful contract is something I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers.
And like most coke heads I've happened upon, Sheen also compares himself to a magician, a poet, and a fighter jet:
I got magic, and I got poetry at my fingertips.
Most of the time -- and this includes naps -- I’m an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground.
On his recent media scrutiny and how "winning" his life truly is, he rants:
I don't have time for these clowns. I don't have time for their judgment and their stupidity. They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, "I can't process it." Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.
On Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre and the show's other doubters:
... I have real fame, they have nothing. They have zero. They have that night. And I will forget about them as the last image of them exits my beautiful home. And they will get out there and they will sell me and then they will lose. And they will lose the rest of their lives as they think about ME and my life the rest of their lives. Bring me a challenge. It just ain't there. Winning!
I embarrassed [Lorre] in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that this un-evolved mind cannot process ... I’ve spent, I think, close to the last decade I don’t know effortlessly and magically converting your tin can into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write.
On his new mottoes about love and hate:
My motto now is you either love or you hate, and you must do so violently ... I don't live in the middle in anymore. That's where you get slaughtered. That's where you get embarrassed ... in front of the prom queen. It's just not an option ... You have absolute total resolve about your decisions if you love with violence and you hate with violence.
On Alcoholics Anonymous and how he cured his alcohol and drug problems:
I can't use the word "sober" because that's a term from those people. I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself from this ridiculous model of disease and addiction and obsession. It's the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to is winning.
... one of their mottoes is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you!
I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I'm cured, I'm done … you don't look like you're having a lot of fun. I'm gonna hang out with these two smokin' hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view!
Oy. You're special alright, Mr. Sheen. And I may be a little speechless after all that, but I'm still pretty sure I'm not even remotely jealous of EFFING CRAZY.
What do you think? Are you jealous of Charlie Sheen's life?
Image via Riccardo S. Savi/Getty