Hey 'Spider-Man' Director, Turn Off the Crazy

Lindsay Mannering

spidermanI don't know what's been injured more in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark: the backs and necks of its cast, or Julie Taymor's ego. The Spider-Man director has taken some serious blows over the past few months, but none might be as stinging as the latest rumor that she's getting a co-director.

The New York Post (who else) says that Taymor is to get help from Phil McKinley, the man behind the Tony award-nominated The Boy From Oz. While the show is denying these rumors, they've confirmed that they've hired musical consultants and playwrights to help get the show back on track.

Can this $65 million show be saved? No, no it can't. Trust me.

I suffered through all three hours of this ... "musical" ... and the only bright spot during the whole experience was seeing Joan Rivers in the lobby during intermission. The rest was downright insufferable.

I am a smart person (at least that's what my mom says) but I had trouble following the plot. And yes, I was sober. I was confused what time period we were in (there were smartphones, but cars and outfits looked like they were from the 1950s), I didn't understand the set (at times we were supposedly on top of buildings looking down, but that was not obvious), and the music ...  

The "music." It was so dissonant that I blushed for Bono. Oh my god it was bad. I'd rather have been stuck in a smelly van in traffic on I-95 in July with no air-conditioning listening to misogynistic rap music with nothing to eat but socks and dandruff than sit through this Spider-Man mess again.

While plugging my ears throughout the show, I was able to come up with a few titles Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark may want to consider, like, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, and the Music, and the Lights; Spider-Man: Turd of the Dark; Spider-Mad: Me, Right Now.

The show has had so many casualties what with the actors plummeting two stories, the audience members who lost hours of their lives, and now Julie Taymor. When will the genocide stop?!

Have you seen Spider-Man? If not, why would you want to see it?

Photo via Spencer Platt/Getty

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