It's a good thing Glee is set in a high school. Because sooner or later, all stars get a taste for booze and the party life, but no one wants to see Rachel Berry pull a Lindsay Lohan.
Ryan Murphy and Co. knew they needed to nip this one in the bud before everyone's favorite singing teens get their taste of the high life. So they served up an hour-long musical public service announcement about the dangers of drinking that managed to come off as fun as it was preachy with a little help from Ke$ha, or as Principal Figgins likes to call her, "Ke-dollar sign-ha." Move in closer, we've gathered the most vital life lessons from McKinley High's alcohol awareness episode:
1. From here on, we should all refer to alcohol as "giggle juice" and "the wet devil." Thank you Figgins!
2. There are five kinds of drunk teenage girls. As described by Finn (who played the designated driver and thus stayed sober):
- Santana, the weepy hysterical drunk
- Lauren & Quinn, the angry girl drunks
- Brittany, the girl who turns into a stripper drunk
- Mercedes & Tina, happy girl drunks
- Rachel, the needy girl drunk
3. Alcohol makes Rachel Berry share the stage, and it's good for all humanity! She was just drunk enough to suggest a "Don't You Want Me" duet with Blaine. It was theme appropriate ("you were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar"), and we will never say no to more Darren Criss singing. In fact, here, we must:
Ah, that's better. Carrying on with our life lessons.
4. Beer goggles can only take the gay away for so long. I can't be the only one who breathed a huge sign of relief when Blaine realized he'd only liked kissing Rachel because he was schnockered. Kurt has been through enough Glee writers! Let's keep Blaine for him.
5. Speaking of gay: Murphy knows how to sneak two PSAs into one. Santana doing shots off of Brittany's naked tummy and Puck and Mike cuddling during the New Directions boozefest were equally awesome signs that kids need to be allowed to just be themselves.
6. "Blame It on the Alcohol" by Jamie Foxx is not a song on the horrors of alcohol (sorry kids, Mr. Schue was right to keep it out of the assembly), but the New Directions seem to have a knack for Foxx songs. Put this one up beside the Glee cover of Foxx and Kanye West's "Gold Digger," and I have a hard time picking a fave.
7. Coach Bieste has the hots for Mr. Schue. She took him out to a dive bar to help him get over his divorce and got on stage for "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer" by George Thorogood -- both signs of being a good friend. But then she kissed him on the lips and told him she loved him when he was too drunk to notice. Sorry Bieste, we know subtlety is not your thing ...
8. If you're going to drunk dial someone to confess your feelings, make sure it's not Sue Sylvester. She'll make Becky role play a scene from Grease and call you an "alcoholic teen vomit fetishist." Mr. Schue, we're looking at you.
9. Alcohol will make Mr. Schue's vests seem stylish. Cease consumption immediately. Did Rachel actually tell him he's all kinds of awesome?
10. The only way to recast a performance of Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" into a scared straight warning for a room full of teenagers is to drink copious amounts of mixed alcohols, plus crushed up Oreos and cough syrup, before gyrating around onstage. New Directions plus puke = I know I won't be brushing my teeth with a bottle of Jack in the morning. It worked! Figgins thinks the glee club is full of good actors, but it may have ruined Ke-dollar sign-ha songs for us forever. I'm not sure I can even download it off iTunes without seeing Santana covered in vomit in the back of my mind!
So there you have it. A PSA we could all swallow. In two weeks, Gwyneth is back, and she's teaching sex ex! And word has it Kathy Griffin and Loretta Devine will guest star soon.
What did you think of the alcoholic episode?
Image via Fox