I love that Bravo chose to host the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion at the Georgia Aquarium. It was so great to see sting rays float by Andy Cohen's head as he confronted the six women on what went down this season.
As the reunion unfolded, it was fun to think about the women as big fish in the small pond of Atlanta -- well I'm sure that's how they see it anyway. When dissecting what happened during the hour-long reunion last night, let's pretend the Housewives are actual fish in a fish bowl, shall we?
We'll start with Andy playing the part of the wise turtle, and we'll picture him with wire-frame eyeglasses and a pipe, trying to mind his own business in the tank.
NeNe Leakes is a shark. Kim Zolciak is a clown fish, Kandi is a dolphin, Cynthia is a mermaid, Sheree is a lobster, Phaedra is a blow fish.
There were only two real fish fights that happened last night in the tank. One, Shark NeNe was pissed that Blow Fish Phaedra said that they knew each other from Athens, and two, everyone was angry with how Clown Fish Kim treats her assistant, Sweetie. Two debates we've heard about all season, neither of which is particularly interesting. I miss the days when Clown Fish Kim was fishing in Big Poppa's pond and we could all hate her for it.
Anyway, Phaedra the Blow Fish got all puffed up and declared that she knew NeNe the Shark from high school, but wait, no, not really, because NeNe is older than Phaedra. So Phaedra deflated a bit when she was caught stepping over her words, and NeNe the Shark was all, "I'm 43 years old and if I wanted to, I could come over there and swallow you whole." During the conversation, the other Housefish just kept circling the tank trying to avoid any misdirected anger that Shark NeNe might throw their way. Andy the Turtle rubbed his temples then hid in his shell for 15 minutes.
The next confrontation happened when all the fish ganged up on Kim the Clown Fish over the way she talks to Sweetie. Sweetie, you see, is one of those feeder fish who just swims around the bigger ones, eating all their crumbs and living in their nests. No one likes how Clown Fish Kim yells at Sweetie, but Sweetie is an independent adult fish who can choose who she does and doesn't follow.
Andy, sensing the lack of actual drama, pops his head out of his shell long enough to ask Sheree the Lobster about her too-toned arms. Sheree snaps a claw at him, lifts some weights, then retreats back under her rock. Andy tries to bait Mermaid Cynthia with the whole her-family-tried-to-sabotage-her-marriage debacle, but the Mermaid simply brushes her long, wavy hair, smiles, and says all is forgiven.
Poor Andy the Turtle is getting nowhere, so he turns his attention to the Shark and asks her about her marriage. NeNe the Shark stares down the old turtle with a cool, lifeless eye and explains that the divorce is happening. Then the shark bites Kim the Clown Fish just for fun, and Andy is satisfied.
Kandi the Dolphin is happy, friendly, and outgoing -- not at all pissed that she's in the tank with these other losers. Kim the Clown Fish, on the other hand, spends the evening seemingly self-satisfied with how good she looks and the joke of a career she's made for herself. Phaedra the Blow Fish gets puffy, then simmers, gets puffy, then simmers, ultimately not poking anyone too hard, nor going completely unnoticed.
Part two of the reunion takes place again in the tank. The preview showed us that Kandi the Dolphin cries over the Clown Fish stealing her money and her song, and it's really the saddest thing we've seen all season. No one likes to see a dolphin cry. Part two airs Februrary 20 at 10 p.m. 'Til then, just keep swimming.
What did you think of the Atlanta reunion, part one?
Photo via Bravotv.com