Lady Gaga, You & I Have a Bad Romance

Megan Van Schaick

lady gagaDear Lady Gaga: Stef? May I call you Stef? No? Just Gaga then. Here’s the thing. I don’t like you, but I love you. I mean, I really, really dislike you. But I am so in love with you. Can you see how conflicted I am?

Just when I think I could full-on love you, you say things like this:

Speaking purely from a musical standpoint, I think I am a great performer. I am a talented entertainer. I consider myself to have one of the greatest voices in the industry. I consider myself to be one of the greatest songwriters. I wouldn't say that I am one of the greatest dancers, but I am really quite good at what I do.

And then I’m reminded again of how much I really, really dislike you.

What’s with all the conflict, you ask?

Well, Stef, er, Gaga, the thing is, you are really quite a terrible singer. Your voice just isn’t as good as you think it is. Simon Cowell would have a field day were you to ever audition for him. Yes, yes, you can hold a tune better than I can, but then again, so could a caterwauling cat. No one listens to you because you have the voice of an angel; we listen to you because you hold our interest.

And the whole songwriter thing ... well. Just no. No. You aren’t a great songwriter either. Your lyrics aren’t particularly meaningful. Your social commentary often falls short. Everything is perfectly serviceable, but it’s not as mind-blowing as you think. If only you’d channel the same energy you devote to your pet causes into your lyrics, we might hear a completely different side of you.

At least we can agree with the dancing thing. You are a terrible dancer. I mean, terrible. But cut yourself some slack. How many people could dance in some of those get-ups you wear? Your stilted rhythm could easily be blamed on those high-rise stilettos.

But where you are right is that you are a talented entertainer. You are an amazing performer. I can’t stand your music, and yet I’d still pay to see you perform. You constantly make a spectacle of yourself in a good way. Despite your lack of musical talent, you are a walking, talking piece of sculpture. You hate to wear pants and you carry a teacup everywhere you go. You are performance art at its finest. It’s awe inspiring, really. You’ve reached the outer limits of pop and brought them right back into our living rooms.

So, dear Gaga, don’t change a thing, even your overblown sense of confidence. You may be lacking in musical talent but you more than make up for it in style and substance.

Do you think Lady Gaga is as talented as she says?


Image via Jazmin Million/Flickr

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