Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz: The Shocking Truth Behind the Split

Linda Sharps
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Say it ain't so, another Hollywood divorce. After two and a half years, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have called it quits, citing that dependable old standby, "irreconcilable differences."

What could possibly have gone wrong between Simpson and the former Fall Out Boy bassist?

Is it because Pete Wentz has a thing for dudes? Or because he likes taking photos of his dick? Or wait, I bet it's because, after suffering his emo hairstyle for years, Ashlee was horrified to discover his natural 'do is something that resembles a Brillo pad.

Actually, it's probably that they initially denied their relationship, then had a quickie marriage after a (surprise?) pregnancy. Well, and probably the fact that her family never accepted him had something to do with it. Don't forget that 2009 drama involving Simpson fighting with some Gossip Girl starlet over Wentz—jealousy is hard on a marriage!

The truth is, if they don't want everyone and their dog to know why they're divorcing, all they have to do is stick to their guns and keep their mouths shut. If they can ride out the initial wave of media speculation, everyone will eventually forget they were ever a couple because ooh, look, Lindsay Lohan just got arrested for smuggling an eight-ball of coke in her lip implants.

That's the shocking part: if they want to keep it a secret, they can. Even if 50 hookers crawl out of the woodwork and lay claim to a bevy of sex tapes starring Wentz's guyliner and Simpson's original nose, rumors are just rumors until the parties in question start issuing statements about each other.

Let's hope for their son's sake they can keep it civil. After all, the toddler is already named "Bronx Mowgli"—poor kid doesn't need any more strikes against him.


Image via Splash News

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