Finally! The biggest TV watching night of the year gave us what we've been waiting for. Yes, sports fans, Glee is back. Wait, what did you think I was talking about?
The Gleeked out Super Bowl -- from Lea Michele singing America the Beautiful to a Sue Sylvester prank in a Chevy ad -- made way for the real thing, and oh what a night. Sue tried to shoot Brittany out of a cannon! The homophobe Karofsky sang and danced! The football team got Slushied!
But I'm getting ahead of myself. The real point of last night's Glee can be summed up with one old adage.
Winners never quit. Quitters never win. But in a Glee world, winning still makes you a loser.
Because when a glee club-esque Cheerios routine replete with BMXers, sparking cone bras, flaming hula hoops and Katy Perry's California Gurls doesn't get Sue Sylvester's rocks off, she tries to go big. Nuclear, or rather, "Sue-clear." She buys a cannon off some creepy dude (as she says, "I try to make a habit of not touching carny folk") and tries to convince the Cheerios they want to be risk life and limb for a national championship.
And now for your moment of Brittany. "I don't want to die yet, At least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled."
Which leads us to the guys. Coach Bieste has turned the football team into something, and McKinley High is facing its first chance to win a championship in forever. But offensive lineman Karofsky is so deep in the closet, he's afraid even being nice to the Glee guys will out him as a gay kid. So he's split the team, and Bieste has to turn to her best friend for help.
That would be Mr. Schue, and of course he thinks throwing the rest of the football team into glee will solve that problem. Apparently Shue's vests aren't the only things from the '80s. He must have watched too much The Breakfast Club. Because the only thing worse than locking a bunch of kids who hate each other in one room is locking them in one room and then allowing Rachel and Puck to serenade them with a lackluster version of Lady Antebellum's Need You Now.
This was the best they could do? Where are the firework? The cannons? Oh wait, wrong McKinley High extracurricular.
Of course all these storylines had to come together for the big one: the championship football game is coming, and there has to be a halftime show. But since Sue is all cranky that she can't shoot kids out of cannons (Schue told Principal Figgins on her), she's scheduled her Cheerios big competition for that night. Which leaves the glee club -- the enlarged testosterone-plagued glee club -- to perform.
And it turns out it wasn't John Hughes Schue was modeling his plans after but a Philippines prison, where inmates choreographed a complicated Thriller routine and became besties. It's for real, look:
Blah, blah, blah. It doesn't work, the football players back out, leaving the Glee girls to take to the field to ensure McKinley High can field a team. Then we cut to half-time, and Finn's managed to pull Quinn, Brittany and Santana out of the Cheerios competition with a reminder that Sue is going too far to win by trying to kill Brittany. Puck tells the rest of the football team to grow up, and this time they listen (hello, it's TV).
And all is right as zombies take over the field, followed by a win for McKinley. So yay, right? Glee kids are cool, football players love them?
Of course not. The winners -- the Glee kids -- never quit even when going got tough. It helped them win in the end. But as Karofsky tells Finn, "People's memory for good stuff lasts about as long as their Facebook status." Which means this was one small step for Glee-kind, one giant leap into the abyss that is high school.
And that's what you missed . . . on Glee. Were you just waiting out the game until Glee began last night?
Image via Fox