'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Reunion Fun, Part 1

Wendi Aarons
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real housewives beverly hills

Last night on the first of two The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion specials, the ladies finally got a chance to answer their critics, explain themselves, and very civilly discuss everything that went down during their wild, crazy season in the 90210.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say "civilly discuss"? What I meant was "yell at each other like spray tanned crackheads." Oops.

In case you haven't seen a Housewives reunion special before, it's basically Bravo's Andy Cohen, aka the bravest man in television, asking the ladies questions from viewers. Last night he started off with a query about why the ladies get so much plastic surgery that they look deformed. However, instead of answering, "I don't know, Jill Smith from Dubuque, Iowa, why do you look like a premenstrual Sasquatch?" which would have been awesome, they smoothly blew it off and said something about doing it to "feel good." But next comes an even harder question: "How much does a gallon of milk cost?" After a few moments of hemming and hawing, Kyle shouts, "$3.49!" And then her sister Kim rather endearingly adds, "It's less than that at Costco!"

Stars. They're just like US!

Next we move on to such varied topics as Taylor's pillow pet lips and the size of Lisa's mansion (17,000 sq. feet), and then Andy trains his puppy dog eyes on everybody's favorite Kelsey Grammer ex-wife, Camille, who's wearing a dress that can barely contain her right boob. Camille is barraged with a long list of probing and sometimes insulting questions, including, "Did you use a surrogate so you could keep your figure?" She denies it, then says Kyle mentioned it on the show, which Kyle then denies. HOWEVER, I totally remember hearing Kyle say that when they were on the plane flying to Sacramento. Anyone else? Bueller? Back me up here.

Camille admirably fields questions about the Playboy layout and Skinemax movie she did in her younger days ("It wasn't hard core, it was soft!") and then they show a very sad clip of her interactions with Kelsey that makes Adrienne tear up. Andy asks if it's true Camille has a sex tape, to which Taylor opines, "Who'd watch a sex tape of married people over 40 having sex? We'd have to pay people to buy it." Yep, especially if it starred her husband Russell who's about as sexy as a piece of low-fat bologna covered in rancid mayonnaise. (Too much?)

We then move on to the Taylor v. Kim season-long animosity, which is soooooo boring because it's not like they pulled each other's hair or anything. (And Kim looked like she couldn't be any more uncomfortable all night, didn't you think?) However, when they discuss the infamous NYC dinner, Taylor mysteriously whispers to Kyle, "Should we bring up her state of mind?" Quel intrigue! Hopefully we'll hear more about that next week and less about Taylor "goin' Oklahoma on your ass" which is seriously played out.

Andy then brings up how rich the housewives are, and actually asks Adrienne how much money she has. Yep, bad manners there Mr. Cohen. (Although, I would kind of like to know since I'm currently trying to get adopted by the Maloofs.) When he asks Lisa if she even has any poor friends, she very wittily responds, "Only you, Andy." Booyah! Vanderpump IN DA HOUSE!

Now let's talk about the season-long fight between Kyle and Camille over something that may or may not have been said. Honestly, could they please find something else to hate each other over? Snooki and J-Woww would have settled this shit in about two seconds and then smooshed some juiceheads in the hot tub before passing out in their own vomit. Anyway, Kyle tells us that she was the one who got Camille on the show in the first place, and then Camille says she only did that because she "needed a target." Really, Camille? Did you think there was that much planning and scheming going on behind the scenes? It's BRAVO. Not the CIA.

They then yell and scream at each other for a few minutes while everyone else looks like they'd like to disappear, and finally Andy says something about the people who get most upset at being called insecure are ... insecure people. Word to your mutha, Andy.

Next week: More Reunion Drama!

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