'Jersey Shore' Season 4, Apologies to Italy

Julie Ryan Evans

Jersey ShoreDear Italy, I would like to apologize in advance for the set of citizens from our country that's coming to yours. We thought since the name of their show was Jersey Shore, they would in fact stay in Jersey, but that isn't the case. Not only did they escape Jersey and forever mar Miami, but they have infected the rest of our country as well. Just ask Barbara Walters, she thinks they're some of the most influential people in our country.

Now they are headed your way. That's right, Jersey Shore Season 4 is going to Italy. Stare attento! (Translation: watch out!) Another translation you may need while these people are there: Ginnastica. Tintarella. Lavanderia. = GTL. My Italian isn't that great, but that should mean something close to: Gym, tan, laundry, which is what they do in addition to smooshing. I really don't think there's any translating that. You'll just have to witness it for yourself. And you will.

By the way, a special apology to Pope Benedict ...

I know this gang in your homeland is going to cost you many extra prayers for their souls and those of many they encounter. Get your rosary ready, because some divine intervention is really the only thing that's going to save this group that includes people whose names (at least the ones they choose to go by) are certainly not derived from Christian ones like you'd like. I could be wrong, but I don't think there was a Saint Snooki or Saint JWOWW or an Apostle named "The Situation."

Bless them Father, for they will sin.

Though come to think of it, The Situation and his boys Pauly D. and Vinny just might meet their match in Italy. Your men over there are awfully aggressive with their amore, and while few of "our" boys have any real Italian heritage, they all like to act like they do, so they will be highly susceptible to your influence. In fact, perhaps it's not such a good idea that they meet your Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi.

The language difference shouldn't be too much of a barrier to your hosting them. Most of us can't understand what they say anyway, even when we know most of the words they're using. You wouldn't believe most of it even if you could understand it.

Please know that most Americans don't act like they do (yet). We are just strangely entertained by them whether we admit it or not. We hope you will be too. If all else fails, offer them unlimited alcohol and sit back and watch the show. Salute!

Finally, if you've been thinking about visiting the United States, come on over while they're in your country. It'll be most pleasant here then. 


An Embarrassed American

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