Oprah has got a family secret, and she's banking on us all telling the boss to shove it this afternoon so we can tune in to her show. Because how can America hear "I was given some news that literally shook me to my core," and not go running for their remotes? She's playing you America!
Don't let Oprah hijack your Monday! I'm here to offer you a lifeline. Resistance is not futile. It can be done. You'll respect yourself all the more for it.
Because right now, the blogosphere is absolutely in an uproar over what the Oprah secret could be. She's pregnant? She's got a half-sister uncovered by Kitty Kelley? She was separated at birth from her "real" parents and only now meeting them?
Each idea is more ridiculous than the last. Really, the woman is going to be 57 at the end of the month, and we're thinking pregnancy? Not to mention the promo on her site indicates the show has reunited plenty of folks over the 25-year span and now she's going to be in the hot seat:
I was given some news that literally shook me to my core. This time, I'm the one being reunited. I was keeping a family secret for months, and you're going to hear it straight from me.
Somehow I doubt she's going to be "reunited" with a fetus. But it's Oprah. She's flamboyant. She's got America by the you-know-whats today screwing with our minds. It could be any of the hypotheses or none of them. That's the whole point of speculation -- seeing who can top the idiocy and make you laugh the hardest. You'd be better off placing your money bets on the Steelers/Packers game if you want a sure thing.
By the end of the afternoon, this big secret won't be a secret anymore. Everyone will know! It will be non-news the minute the "news" comes out. Which is why you should darken your televisions, America. The real fun is in the anticipation. "Secrets" only hold power as long as they are kept in confidence. Once they're out, eh, it's time to move on.
So keep on speculating if you wish, but expect a big let-down if you can't resist turning on the TV. Your fun will be over. Will you be tuning in?
Image via Getty Images/Frazer Harrison/Staff