'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Saddest Episode Ever

Wendi Aarons
8

real housewives beverly hills

Last night was the finale of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the one show that probably best encapsulates what it's really like to live in "the land of make believe." Because while the season started off like a young starlet full of glitz and glamour, it unfortunately ended up like a washed up movie star sobbing in the back of a rented limo.

Yep, even a butt-load of Botox didn't make this shit look pretty.

The night of depression begins with the recently dumped Camille Grammer who's still reeling from Kelsey treating her like crap at the Tony awards. She says she thought him leaving her was just a midlife crisis, but then realized there was another woman involved when she tried to get into his NYC apartment and the doormen didn't believe she was Mrs. Grammer because the Mrs. Grammer they know is the toothy flight attendant Kelsey's schtupping. She then compares the end of their marriage to the "death of a relative" and says she's filed for divorce. It all made me very sad, until I remembered the silver lining in the situation, so I then crammed a fistful of popcorn into my mouth and stood up on my couch and yelled:

"Camfeel! You haf no pwe-nup with Kwelzey! You don know dis yet, but you gsettin' FIDDY MILLSHION DOLLAHS! WHOOHOO! SCHUCK IT, DOCTAH FWAZIER CWANE!! SCHUUCCKKKK IT! Gak."

Which brings us to Taylor whose lips always make me think of those sucker fish they use to give you pedicures in health-code violating nail salons. Now, allegedly, No Muscles Russell is throwing Taylor a birthday party, but between you and me, Bravo seems to always come up with some big shindig on the final Housewives show of the season to get them all in the same place, so who knows if it was really her birthday or not. (Although, he does humiliate her by saying she's 30, so she then has to announce she's really 39 and it's all so very awkward.)

Taylor is still giving lip service (zing!) to the problems in hers and Russell's marriage, so we hear a lot of crap like, "We both need to say what we want out of this relationship," blah, blah, blah. Bo-ring. Although I think Lisa Vanderpump hit the nail on the head when she said that she thinks Taylor "craves the Beverly Hills lifestyle more than being happy in her marriage." Yep, put those two in a fixer-upper in Fargo and just watch how fast Taylor packs her LV bags.

Speaking of Taylor and Lisa, the British claws are still out as Lisa shows her jealousy of Taylor and Kyle's relationship by calling her "my best friend's new best friend" and accusing her of saying something to Camille to start off the whole NYC dinner fiasco. Taylor claims she did no such thing, then Lisa says she just wants there to be peace among the housewives. (Insert your own Rodeo Drive/Gaza Strip joke here because I'm too worn out.)

Back at the mansion, Lisa, Ken, and Cedric are all doing what they do every week and that's talking about Cedric moving out. Although this time, Ken actually says, "F*ck him" to the camera, so we know he's as serious as a grown man who dresses like his dog can ever be. Later, on the show-ending update, Bravo tells us that Cedric and Lisa had a huge argument when he was leaving her house and are now no longer speaking. Merde. But at least it was good while it lasted, Mr. C.

Now let's move on to those madcap Richards sisters, Kim and Kyle, whose minor skirmishes all season long were just paving the way to last night's major blowout. A few highlights before the fracas:

  • Kyle goes to see a psychic with her mother. Her mother who's in a 5"x7" box. Hey-o!
  • Kim says she worked every day of her childhood and supported Kyle and the rest of the family and bought their houses and cars.
  • Kim goes to Christophe salon to learn how to put on make-up because she didn't have friends as a child like Kyle did and wants to "spice it up."
  • Kyle gets dressed in a black bondage dress for Taylor's party and looks like Demi Moore in that stripper movie that I think is called That Stripper Movie.

Alright, on to the big party! The ladies are all mingling with each other (as well as with their PR people and managers who are in attendance) and having a good time. In perhaps the oddest part of the night, Adrienne says she's shocked that her husband Paul almost missed the party to go golfing with Mark Wahlberg. Really? Really, Adrienne? Because if you ask, um, ANYONE ON EARTH, they'd much rather chase Marky Mark around Pebble Beach than stand on a rooftop doing shots with stupid Russell and his non-existent personality. Come on, lady. (And in one of the best updates, Bravo says that Adrienne & Paul are still bickering, but she's not responsible for his multiple broken noses.)

Kim soon shows up and seems very, very animated, which causes Kyle to give her the stink-eye and whisper that she might be drunk. Hmmm ... drunk? Then Taylor marches up to Kim and confronts her about, yes, the muthafokkin' NYC dinner and how she was the one who said Camille was insecure ... basically the same shit we've been hearing all season long. However, Adrienne, Lisa and Kyle then join in and Kim soon yells that she doesn't enjoy any of their company and tells Taylor to just leave. Taylor replies, "It's my party, why don't you leave?" or something like that, so Kim freaks out and runs to her limo.

Adrienne and Ex-Blind Date Martin then ride around the block with her and try to calm her down, although I suspect Martin was really wishing he was home watching English League football right about then. Poor Martin. But at least we finally get to see more of Adrienne, who I suspect is a pretty decent person even though she has glitter hair extentions and keeps her wedding dress in a frame in her hallway.

Suddenly, Kyle opens the limo door and gets inside to confront Kim and it turns into a MAJOR fight as the two hurl accusations at each other (most confusing: Kim saying, "You stole my house!") and Kyle says that their mom died worrying about Kim and she doesn't want that on her shoulders any longer. And then Kyle yells perhaps the most explosive thing in the history of the housewives and that's, "You're an alcoholic, Kim!"

Wha?

Yes, apparently Kim has some issues with alcohol and Kyle feels like she's been taking care of her too long by keeping the secret and giving her money. Kim is obviously furious that Kyle said this, and the two of them scream at each other before Kyle gets out and slams the door leaving Kim alone and sobbing in the back of the limo. Dear Lord, this shit just got REAL, you Real Housewives. The Bravo update then tells us that Kim's family sent her to rehab where she only lasted a week, and that the sisters are still not talking. Sigh. It's really, really sad.

However, I wish them all the best of luck because when you get right down to it, life in Beverly Hills isn't that much different from life any where else. Well, except for New Jersey. Those ladies is cray-zee.

So long, ladies. It's been fun.

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