'American Idol' Recap: Is J. Lo a Vampire?

Lindsay Mannering

Jennifer LopezLast night's American Idol left me with a few questions. Steven Tyler, Randy Jackson, and J.Lo did their thing, but didn't the episode kind of leave you scratching your head? There were a few contestants who stood out (the overweight kid with a voice like Justin Bieber and the redhead kid with the big family), but overall, New Orleans was a disappointment. You know it's bad when J.Lo's astounding beauty is the only memorable thing from the evening. I mean, not fair. She's flawless and her glowing skin is prettier than a Christmas tree.

So, New Orleans, here are my questions: where was the talent, where were the accents, and is J.Lo a vampire?

Let's start with the talent, or lack thereof. Maybe my expectations were a little high for the Big Easy but I'm not going to apologize for that. Isn't it a city full of great music and even greater personalities? I thought we were going to get some soulful singers with Louisiana charm, but instead we got OK singers whom we all know are going to get cut in Hollywood week. I didn't see any top 24 material last night. Oh, don't you dare tell me that the woman with the special-needs child was good. She wasn't. Simon would've told her she was flat and lacked the "it" factor, and if you're honest with yourself, you know that's the truth.

And another thing! Where were the accents?! I'm not saying it matters or has anything to do with singing ability, but I wanted to hear some swampy Nawlins drawls. I wanted someone to sing me a lullaby in the kind of accent that pours out of your mouth like molasses from a jar. But no. We got Randy's high school football coach and some kids from Florida. Sucked.

Lastly, let's discuss J.Lo's perfection and how we'll never measure up. How does she get her skin to look like that?! I'm both flabbergasted and inspired. She must not be human. So the only conclusion is that J.Lo's a vampire. Right?! She's sitting there in daylight, shimmering, glistening, glittering -- she must be related to Edward Cullen. She must fly from tree to tree in the Pacific Northwest in the twilight hours and she must be 1,200 years old. That's the only explanation for her out-of-this-world beauty.

We're heading to Minneapolis next week. Here's hoping it's better than NOLA. And here's looking at you, J.Lo-Cullen. 

Photo via Jason Merritt/Getty

Read More