Robert Pattinson At the Globes: Red Hot, or Red Not?

Linda Sharps
12

Teen Twilight hunk Robert Pattinson was sporting a reddish new hair color at the Golden Globes last night, and I can only presume it triggered a wave of cognitive dissonance that swept the nation. He's so SEXY, right? Even with his new pelt of . . . auburn-ish . . . fur.

You know what? Kids, it's okay. I officially give you permission to hold simultaneous the notion that those Twilight books are pretty hot, while Robert Pattinson the Actor is, in fact, not.

First of all, there's the fact that his head is shaped like some sort of root vegetable, bulbous at the top, tapering at the chin. There's the perma-scruff of whateverthatis covering the lower part of his face—I guess that would some sort of fetal beard of some kind?

Don't forget the pervasive rumors that he smells like a great big pile of unwashed emo vampire ass.

And the eyes. THE EYES. I will give him this much, when the angle is exactly right he's got the smoldering thing going on. The rest of the time? HIS EYES ARE HALF SHUT. HE LOOKS LIKE A LIZARD. OR LIKE HE'S REALLY BAKED.

The hair is just the icky icing on my I-can't-get-it-up-for-Bob-cake. As for why he's sporting the awkward new color, he says it wasn't exactly intentional.

“It’s a different color in Twilight than it is in Water for Elephants, so I had to do a rush dye job. (With) just like some mousse. Isn’t it amazing?”

Uh, no. It reminds me of when I was 14 and slopped on a box of L'Oreal Blowout Burgundy, hoping for punk rock but ending up with something that looked like brownish-purple Kool-Aid.

Am I the only one who doesn't swoon over R-Patz? Especially with the new hair?
 
Image via Wikipedia

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