I'll confess up front that I didn't watch all of the Golden Globes—oh my god you guys that thing was like three hours long, once my TiVo caught up to the live broadcast about halfway through I had to bow out, because un-fast-forwardable awards ceremonies AND commercials? Two bad tastes that taste bad together, my friends—but I watched enough to see some truly, awesomely cringeworthy stuff.
I'm not talking about Ricky Gervais, because he was brilliant. I'm talking about these moments:
Jennifer Lopez presenting with Alec Baldwin. What were they presenting? Best Song? Oh right, because that led to the incredibly lame joke where Baldwin pretended he was going to sing and Lopez pretended to cut him off, saying how she'd have to judge him (PLUG PLUG AMERICAN IDOL PLUG). That was after the flaccid intro where they each joked that they had almost worn the other's outfit. Ha ha ha BARF.
Andrew Garfield introducing the Social Network. OMG, this poor guy. Who the shit gave him the tongue-twisting phrase “inspiringly written” to stumble over while he was praising Aaron Sorkin’s script for The Social Network? He had so much trouble getting it out I thought it was going to lead to a King's Speech joke.
Matt Damon introducing Robert DeNiro, recipient of a lifetime achievement award. Another horribly unfunny bit involving Matt's pretend unfamiliarity of DeNiro's work. We all KNOW Matt Damon can be funny as hell, so I can only assume this routine was written by a team of talentless interns borrowed from Saturday Night Live.
Robert DeNiro's subsequent acceptance speech. "I'm sorry more members of the foreign press aren't with us tonight, but many were deported right before the show along with most of the waiters. And Javier Bardem." Did . . . did he . . . what? Really? I don't know what was worse, the joke or the robotic delivery. Oh, actually, maybe it was the part where he said actors just have to hope they make enough money to keep their children in private school.
Angelina Jolie, during all of this. Angelina: "Yeah, I could not apply lip gloss at the table like a mannerless hussy, but I'm Angelina Fucking Jolie. Blow me. Like I just did Brad, in the bathroom."