On Tuesday night, Martha Stewart took a moment out of her rushed, impeccably stylish life to snuggle her French bulldogs, Francesca and Sharkey. What happened next is almost too upsetting to document, but for the sake of thorough journalism, I will include the words Stewart herself posted to her blog.
"As I leaned down to whisper goodbye to a dozing Francesca, I must have startled her, because she bolted upright with such force that she hit me in the face like a boxing glove hitting an opponent's face. I was entirely startled and my neck snapped back. I felt a bit of whiplash as blood gushed forth from my split lip. Frannie was as upset as I was and cowered in her bed."
I KNOW, right? Blood gushing forth ... onto her imported ecru Italian tiles?
OH, THE HUMANITY.
Naturally, Stewart flew into action, calling her daughter Alexis and asking her to summon a plastic surgeon to a nearby hospital. (It is unclear the manner in which this request was made, but I presume it included some hysterical shrieking and demands for the BEST GODDAMNED DOCTOR IN THE STATE NO I DON'T CARE THAT HE'S OPERATING ON A BABY GET HIM OUT OF SURGERY IMMEDIATELY.)
She then dialed the police to ask for a ride to the hospital, because Martha Stewart doesn't do ambulances—filthy germ-ridden places with a decided lack of quality linens—before remembering that her personal driver was waiting nearby. Her driver, Carlos, and her stable manager, Betsy, carefully transported Stewart the "few miles" to the emergency room.
Reports do not say if Stewart first insisted that a servant knit her a cashmere tissue to cover the wound, but I like to assume the answer is "Well, duh. How else would one stop the flow of blood?"
She praised the hospital staff for their prompt and professional (and likely terrified) attention, but made sure to point out the outdated hospital decor with a comment posted to her blog:
"The ceiling border in the little patient room could use some updating, don't you think?"
What a relief everything was okay in the end! I sure hope the hospital gets on that ceiling border issue, though. I mean, REALLY. How incredibly gauche.
Image via Splash News