The second episode of Season 3 of MTV's Jersey Shore promised more of the usual drinking, Sunday dinners, and drama with the gang.
Of course, any light fun was completely and utterly destroyed by the train wrecks we have come to know and (mostly) hate known as Sammi and Ronnie. The other people in the household are spunky and fun, even if they make me vomit a little in my mouth.
The Situation dresses like Liberace and thinks he is a god, Pauly D's hair is ridiculous, and Vinny's face reminds me of someone 40 years his senior, but they are all generally amusing and good-natured. And by good-natured I mean, despite their many STDs, they still manage to act like functional human beings.
The girls are OK, too. Snooki seems like a girl I would befriend. She is always up for a good time and defends her friends to the end. JWoww, for all her faults, is the same. And Deena, though new to the house, seems like a good mix of smart and wild.
But then there's Sammi. Poor, awful, boring Sammi.
Deena says Sammi is like a piece of furniture and someone ought to give the girl a literary award for her apt description. At one point in the episode, as Sammi cried and spoke with her noxious accent, I flashed-forward 20 years to Sammi in shorts that are too short, her body destroyed by tanning beds and multiple children, a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, and the same constipated look on her face.
She is like every bad girl cliche there is, the kind of girl who turns on her girlfriends in favor of a cad of a boyfriend whose only redeeming quality is that MTV edits him to appear slightly more sane than her. It's not a good look for anyone, but particularly not for a girl who had an uphill battle anyway.
The Situation brought hubris, Snooki and Deena brought the party, JWoww brought the boobs. All Sammi brings are tears and uptight whining. The scene where she stands on the boardwalk watching everyone ride rides and have fun was like something straight out of middle school. She is that popular girl with the boyfriend who is pretty, but totally mediocre whose only pleasure in life is in seeing herself reflected by that one boy.
What are Sammi's interests? Does she have any? What does she like to do? In three seasons, the only thing I know about her is that she has very active tear ducts. Enough already. Please take this piece of furniture and move on. She is straight up boring at this point.
The hands-down best line in the episode was Snooki's. When she disappears, she is later found in a bush, something she explains with the following:
"I will pee in a bush, I will poop in a bush, and I will hide in a bush."
OK, then. Honestly, after being forced to endure the Sammi and Ronnie snoozefest, it was practically sage wisdom.
What did you think of this episode?
Image via MTV