Man, the last Survivor is always an epic TV-a-thon. First you've got the two-hour finale, and if you've watched the damn thing this long, of course you have to watch the reunion show—if only to see who looks better having showered and gained 15 pounds, and who should seriously have left the jungle beard as is.
Let's get into it, shall we? FULL SPOILERS AHEAD.
So let's see, Fabio wins immunity, Dan (finally) gets voted out, and he rips everyone but Fabio a new Survivor-hole in his final words. Some boring stuff happens where they revisit past competitors. (I can't be the only one who routinely fast-forwards the TiVo past this part, can I? Yeah yeah, I remember that guy, ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop.) The final challenge is a coin-stacking thing, which I can't concentrate on because the camera is fixated on everyone's man-nipples, and Fabio wins again.
That's three immunity wins in a row for the boy dunder. Holy shit, Fabio's not as stupid as we thought! The final four go to tribal council and Sash continues to lie through his freaky Chiclet teeth about his alliance with Fabio, while Holly and Chase take the no-bullshit route and admit they would have voted Fabio off had he not won immunity. In the end, Holly's sent packing—another smart move by Fabio. Out of everyone that's left, I wouldn't want to go up against Holly at the end.
The final three—Fabio, Sash, and Chase—are squared off against the jury. In past years of Survivor, some of the final groups have included incredibly well-spoken people who just completely kick ass with their opening statements. These guys, not so much.
Chase: "UHHHHH. DURRRR."
Fabio: "Dudes, I totes won like three challenges. Wazzzzzzzzuuup."
Sash: "You should understand that I am a Survivor mastermind who outwitted and outplayed you ALL. Bow before me, foolish mortals. Oh but I truly honor and respect all of our personal relationships."
Now it's time for the jury to address the final three. Marty comes up with some convoluted method of insulting Chase, but it's hard to take Marty seriously because he's sweating through his shirt like a whore in church. Jane tells Sash he's a New York city rat who should crawl back into the gutter. Dan tells Chase, "Beauty fades, dumb is forever." Purple Kelly says something but wait, who is this chick again? Alina says she doesn't want to give the million bucks to a boy, she wants to give it to a man.
NaOnka asks Fabio about his family and Fabio gets dramatically choked up, sobbing about his mom, and half the jury starts wiping their eyes. I slap the couch and yell, "THAT CRYBABY JUST WON A MILLION BUCKS."
Jeff takes the final votes and strides off, although I'm sorry to report they seem to have abandoned the greatly entertaining business of picking him up via helicopter and pretending to fly him directly to L.A.
Now we're at the live reunion and daaaaamn, Fabio looks hot. Sash looks just as weaselly, but his cheeks are no longer caved in. Chase somehow looks even dumber.
The votes come in and it's very close between Chase and Fabio and ... FABIO WINS SURVIVOR. *shrieks, confetti*
Sash gets exactly zero votes. HA.
I was pulling for Fabio so I'm glad he got the million. However, I have no idea what he's going to do with it because the more Jeff lets him speak, the more spaced-out and weird Fabio seems. He wants to do something with music that undermines the government? Thanks to the creative human energy vibe he got from the rainforest? And his grandpa invented a folding table? What?
Jeff lets Chase play guitar and sing in order to promote his country western career. This is ... awkward.
NaOnka admits that some parents don't want her as a PE teacher since Survivor. At first I'm like, hey, that's fucked up. Then I remember how much I hated her on the show and decide I wouldn't be thrilled to have her teaching my kids how to throw a dodgeball either.
Jane and Holly have, like, a shitload of makeup on. Jimmy Johnson is cherubic and adorable, almost makes you forget how he shilled for Extenze Penis Pills. Marty is a massive douche. Shannon has all of five seconds to prove he isn't a homophobic shithead and he blows it. Jane wins the $200K fan favorite prize by a landslide. Dan is dressed like a drunken Scrooge McDuck who just banged a hooker in the bathroom.
And that's it until next season, which involves something called "Redemption Island." Looks like a good twist.
Well, guys—what did you think of this season? Will you be watching next year?
Image via CBS