'Survivor Nicaragua' Recap: 'This Is Going to Hurt'

Linda Sharps

First things first: how can it be that we're this close to the end of Survivor—and Dan is still in the game? I feel like he's sneaking off between challenges and delivering blowjobs to the producers or something. IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

We start things out tonight with a nice juicy product placement, as the six remaining Libertad tribe members discover a cell phone loaded with the requisite tear-jerking video greetings from their families. It's actually pretty touching, except for the fact that we're basically being dry-humped by Sprint for, like, half the show.

Chase emotes to the camera: "Something as simple as a Sprint cell phone can bring you to tears." Television viewers everywhere quietly barf into their cupped hands.

There are many, many scenes of the tribe members weeping semi-hysterically over their loved ones and carefully positioning the phone so we repeatedly see that goddamned Sprint logo, then we finally get to the start of the reward challenge—where, obnoxiously, Probst pimps the phone some MORE. Does this phone perform sexual favors? Does Dan work for Sprint? So many questions.

Reward is for a Nicaraguan cruise, complete with food and the company of a family member. Tearful reunions ensue as Probst calls out to the relatives waiting in the wings, and everyone does that awkward thing where they have to briskly jog out of a bush. All the hugging and kissing is pretty sweet, and I'm especially charmed by Fabio's overwhelming love for his mom. Aw, who's a snuggly?

Also, holy crap are these tribe members looking gaunt and starved at this point, especially next to a group of well-fed people.

Chase and his mom win reward, and of course he then has the awful decision of picking two people to join him. He chooses Sash and Holly, and Fabio reacts by ... um, bursting into tears. Whoah. I sure hope someone's capturing this touching family memory with a Sprint 4G phone.

Back at camp, Jane, Dan, and Fabio take turns spinning themselves up about what a giant bag of dicks Chase is. On the reward, Chase, Holly, and Sash fall ravenously into a pile of food while their relatives hover nearby, probably afraid to take a bite in case their arms get ripped off. The three take a brief break from pigging out to toast their alliance and take lots of rad photos of themselves with some kind of phone, I forget who makes it.

Immunity challenge time! I don't know why Dan doesn't just take a nap during these things. Fabio wins, which is sort of amazing since it involved a puzzle. He just doesn't strike me as a puzzle guy, you know? Unless the puzzle is how you can make a 2-liter bottle into a bong.

When everyone returns to camp, Chase, Holly, and Sash start talking about getting rid of Jane. Chase is, predictably, feeling wishy-washy about this decision. They're standing around talking it over when Jane walks right up and asks point-blank if her alliance is still good. In one of the most epically uncomfortable Survivor moments of all time, Chase offers up a weaselly admission that things, uhhhh, aren't going so great, and Sash and Holly are left to twist in the wind while Jane tries to kill them all with her EYEBALLS OF HATRED.

Before they leave for tribal, Jane angrily douses the fire, sending tribe members scurrying from the dragon's-breath steam it releases. "By god, I started it, I'll put it out," she hisses. Hell yes, now we're finally into some good TV, people.

At tribal council, Jane lays it all out—how her alliance has turned against her, what a bunch of turd-sucking flatworms they are, etc. Chase displays his astounding cluelessness once again by saying Dan or Fabio will likely be voted off next, which Holly and Sash reluctantly agree is maybe, probably, like, sort of true.

Probst throws his oar in by suggesting to Fabio and Dan that they could totally align with Jane right now and vote for Holly, since Sash and Chase have immunity idols. Fabio and Dan mostly blink and look stupid, while Jane nods furiously. At this point I'm thinking hang on, this is way too much involvement by Jeff—he's been stirring the pot more and more at these tribal councils, but here he's practically telling them exactly what to do. He's going to change the entire outcome of the game!

Or ... not. Chase and Sash play their idols as expected, and the votes come in. Jane, Jane, Jane, and ... Jane. Her torch is snuffed and she storms off, tossing a "Y'all have fun" over her shoulder, which is Jane-ese for "Go fuck yourselves with pointy sticks."

Here's what I don't understand about the vote: at the very end when we see whose names everyone had written down, Jane's vote was for Sash. What the hell? Why? Sash had an immunity idol that had been plainly acknowledged. Why wouldn't Jane have voted for Holly on the chance that Dan and Fabio followed Jeff's suggestion?

Despite the lack of worthy contestants at this point, I'm pretty much on Team Fabio for the finale on Sunday. How about you?

Image via CBS  

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