'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Sweet Charity & Kato Kaelin

Wendi Aarons
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real housewives of beverly hillsIs it just me or is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills getting a little boring? Because while I really want to like this show, we’ve now made it almost halfway through the season without a single table flip or someone screaming, “PROSTITUTION WHORE!” like one of those Jersey charmers. What we need, you BH ladies, is some a-c-t-i-o-n action. And unfortunately, you didn’t quite deliver any this week.

Yawn. Is it bedtime already?

But maybe I’m wrong here. Maybe, in fact, Lisa Vanderpump’s trip to the DMV to take her and Cedric’s drivers license tests was actually quite scintillating. After they arrive in her black Bentley with him wearing mint green manpris, she tells us that mingling with the non-Beverly Hills DMV crowd is a bit of a "culture shock" because the crowd is quite "eclectic." Yeah, like that’s a news flash. I’m not from Beverly Hills, but I still thought the gentleman I met at the Compton DMV whose side burns were actually his pet ferrets was "eclectic." And he was a state employee. Ho-hum.

On to the next exciting lady: Kim. Oh, did I say "exciting"? I meant to say "hypoglycemic coma-inducing." First, Kim takes shit from her sister Kyle and Lisa for not calling her blind date Martin/Melvin/Merkin to thank him for giving her a ride home last week. Then, at her home in Westlake Village, which is actually (gasp!) 33 miles away from the Beverly Hills motherland, she welcomes Single Gary, a grandfather she met in the grocery store chicken aisle. Sexy! Kim thinks it’s funny to tell Single Gary that she has 10 kids and then she pretends to nurse a friend’s baby. OMG, how is this hot property still single? Girlfriend’s got GAME.

Now to Camille, who has an All-About-Me lunch with her poor mom and her usual cast of sycophants, including Handsome Nick. Seriously, what’s up with this dude? Doesn't he have anything better to do than hang out with Camille and look disturbed every time she makes an incompetent pass? Is Kelsey paying him? Is Niles? Later, Camille and her ladies-in-waiting go running on the beach and say snotty crap like, "We’re so fortunate we’re by the ocean!" but THEN. Then, Camille drops the bomb that Kelsey told her (via a phone call) that he wants to move to NYC permanently because he’s more appreciated there. Oy-yo-yo. We all know how well that turns out for Miss Thing. Better go tie up Handsome Nick in the guest room while you can.

Meanwhile, Kyle and her husband Mauricio are in Napa for a romantic weekend/charity bike ride. Kyle wants another baby, but Mauricio doesn’t and they discuss this at a private dinner where they’re completely alone except for the Bravo TV camera crew. After Kyle jokingly says she can get pregnant whether he wants her to or not, he replies by saying he’ll "chop off the wiener." Yep. That’s one way to do it, stud. The duo then ride their bikes 69 miles to raise money for cancer, which is approximately 69 more miles than I could have ridden, so my hat’s off to them and their padded bike shorts. Huzzah!

You still awake?

Good, because we have one lady yet to discuss and that’s the perplexing Taylor. I say "perplexing" because she does dumbass crap like spend $60,000 on her kid's birthday party, but then she bravely comes out as a child abuse victim at a women’s shelter benefit and makes it hard for me to make fun of her. Oh, Taylor. If your lips didn’t resemble the inflatable rafts the Coast Guard uses to rescue Haitian boat people, I just might like you.

At the poker benefit, Taylor and No Muscles Russell mingle with such Z-List luminaries as Jan from The Brady Bunch movie, Jose Canseco, and everybody's favorite jackass, Kato Kaelin, who was surprisingly available that night. Dear Lord, like those poor women in the shelter haven’t suffered enough. Anyway, the Maloofs then show up wearing cowboy hats that make them look like Russian mobsters trying to blend in in Montana, and they listen as Taylor shakingly tells everyone about her past. It's actually very moving.

But then -- just when I'm 100 percent on Taylor's side -- she ends the show by telling the camera that abused women can escape their circumstances and even, EVEN, go on to "live in Beverly Hills like I do." Gag.

Or at least that's what I think she said. I might have been snoring.

Next week, it's a ladies lunch at Camille's, so FINGERS CROSSED FOR TABLE FLIPPING!

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