'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Blind Dates, Mansions, and Dogs

Have you ever gone on a blind date? Was it at a 60,000-square-foot mansion with all of your fancy friends? Was there a gay house guest taking a Turkish bath? And was all of your first date awkwardness caught on camera by an intrusive Bravo TV cameraman who's probably named "Jimbo"? No? Well, then you obviously don't roll like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, baby.



This week it's all about relationships, starting with blind dating BH-style. The elegant Lisa Vanderpump plays matchmaker with thrice-divorced Kim Richards because Kim needs a MAN. Or at least that's what I think she's trying to tell her daughter -- who, in a show of creative thinking, is also named Kimberly. (I must confess that I tend to tune out whenever Kim talks because a little part of me still thinks she's a child witch after my soul.)

To prepare for the big date, Kim and Kyle get facials. Only these aren't just any facials, they're facials WITH ELECTRICITY. Yeah, you read that right. So much electricity, in fact, that the esthetician has to cover their faces with Hannibal Lecter-style leather gimp masks to keep their brains from frying. Raise your hand if you were secretly praying that one of the women would start hissing, "The lambs ... tell me about the lambs, Clarice" in the middle of the session. No? Just me? Fine. Be that way.

Now let's move on to Fish Lips Taylor who has a big dilemma that's all No Muscles Russell's fault. If you'll recall, he gave their daughter Kennedy a puppy for her birthday against Taylor's wishes and now the kid is completely allergic to it. Taylor is understandably distraught about maybe taking away her daughter's first pet, but I was even more distraught because with all of the Botox in her mug; she looks like a melting Ronald Reagan Halloween mask when she cries. (Shiver.)

On to the Maloof's who are celebrating their 8th wedding anniversary in grand style. Adrienne's husband Paul has their chef (who looks just like him, so maybe it's his long lost brother?) prepare a nice meal. They eat fondue accompanied by a harpist, and then he blows Adrienne away with the gift of a German Shepherd that he's just flown in from (wait for it) Germany. Adrienne is thrilled and gives the dog all of the affection poor Paul is so desperately trying to get. Maybe he should have hit on the harpist.

Meanwhile, over in NutJobville, Camille doesn't have much to do this week besides try on extravagant dresses while her employees tell her how great she looks. Yawn. I did the same thing last week at Ross Dress for Less with my 75-year-old cleaning woman Peaches.

It's finally the night of the big BLIND DATE. The ladies are all at Mohammed's $55 million dollar mega-mansion waiting for Kim to arrive and meet the craggily handsome Martin/Melvin/Merkin (sorry -- I spilled wine on my notes again). Kim shows up in a skin-tight leopard dress and Lisa notices that her breasts "have a life of their own." Meow! What follows is lots of awkwardness as they try to talk while all of their friends stare at them and take cell phone pictures. Kim then goes MIA for some time, and I can't say I blame her. Maybe she was in one of the 17 bathrooms playing Angry Birds with a cater waiter until her anxiety passed.

The rest of the evening goes well -- although can someone can explain to me why they arranged fruit into pornographic tableau? -- and Kim and Martin/Melvin/Merkin walk out holding hands. Awww, I just know those two kids are gonna make it, don't you?

The show ends with Fish Lips Taylor and Kyle having a girls' lunch. Taylor is completely envious of Kyle's great marriage to the Beverly Hills John Tuturro and asks for advice. She describes her relationship with Russell as more of a business partnership than anything, and Kyle responds by saying that "anyone would be happy" to have Taylor.

Come on. I think we all know that what she was really trying to say was, "Kick his ass to the curb, you dumb f*ck. Have you gotten a good look at him?"

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go. Peaches and I are going dress shopping at Wal-Mart and I don't want to be late.

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