I have to say, I wasn't really looking forward to tonight's Survivor. The last couple episodes have been kind of eh, I don't have any major favorites among the remaining players, I couldn't picture anything happening that would get me re-invested in the show.
Man, was I wrong.
We start with another rainy scene at camp, and NaOnka's whining again about how miserable she is. This time she moans about how she has anemia and thus her joints get "stuck" when it's chilly, which I guess is totally different from how EVERYONE gets stiff and uncomfortable when they're cold. Purple Kelly, aka Wait, Who's That Again?, joins the pity party, saying she's not sure how much more she can take.
Benry rightly points out that they're being a couple of spineless wimps, and it's almost enough to make me forgive him for being called "Benry."
Challenge time! This one's for reward, which involves watching Gulliver's Travels, a movie starring Jack Black. Sounds more like a punishment to me, but apparently there will be concession food.
Two teams compete neck and neck, and the blue team—NaOnka, Holly, Chase, Benry, and Dan (who sat out)—wins, and ... suddenly, NaOnka announces that she's quitting the game.
Jeff pretends to be shocked for a moment, then asks if anyone else wants to quit.
Purple Kelly raises her hand.
Oh my god. Seriously? SERIOUSLY.
Jeff is suitably disgusted but tells them they have the afternoon to think it over (because god knows they need to drag this out for the rest of the show), and that they can make their final decision at tribal council. He then says if someone from the winning team forfeits the reward, he'll hand over a tarp and a container of rice for the whole camp.
Seconds tick by as everyone peers around. Whooooo's going to stay? Dan, right? Since he didn't even compete in the challenge? Or hey, no, it should be NaOnka. She's quitting. She doesn't need movie candy. What kind of heartless piece of garbage would even contemplate going on reward when—
NaOnka stares defiantly, silent.
Eventually Holly volunteers, and collects the tarp and rice, while blue team members mumble unhappily but for some reason do not physically pick NaOnka up and force her to do the right thing AS THEY SHOULD HAVE.
At reward, NaOnka crams hot dogs in her mouth, sadly not dramatically choking and dying on camera of meat byproduct asphyxiation. Everyone sits back to watch Gulliver's Travels, which looks truly shiteous and generates the following robotic dialogue from Benry and Fabio.
"Ha. Ha. Ha. Jack Black."
"Ha. He's so fat."
Tribal council time! Jeff launches into a discussion about why the girls want to quit and they give totally pathetic answers. He asks why NaOnka didn't consider giving up the reward and NaOnka says she wasn't about to miss out on that.
"You think you ever had any shot of winning this game?" Jeff asks NaOnka, which is the closest I think I've seen him come to outright calling her a crazy bitch.
Finally it's time to ask the girls if they're serious about quitting. "You going to stay and fight? Or are you going to go?"
They're going to go. Both of them. With only 11 days left.
"You want to go?" Jeff says to NaOnka, right before snuffing her torch. "Go."
I wish with all my heart he'd followed that with a painful boot to her ass, or perhaps by picking up that torch and throwing it out to sea, but at least we finally see her strutting away for the last time.
Oh, and I guess Purple Kelly goes too, but whatev. Sorry Kelly, you were too boring to ever care about.
It turns out I definitely got interested in tonight's show after all, if only to yell at the TV and loudly declare my raging disgust for Survivor's wimpiest players. It's a shame some of the stronger people weren't able to keep playing, while these two buckets of weaksauce had the chance and threw it away. They don't even deserve to be on the jury at this point.
Now, who to root for? I have to say, I never gave Holly enough credit, but I also kind of love Fabio for staying (stupidly) under the radar all this time, and never once complaining. I like the idea of him winning the prize and using it to buy a giant tank of puppies which he can roll around in while smoking a fat bowl, because what can I say, I just feel like that's Fabio's style.
Who are you hoping takes home the million dollars? And what did you think of tonight's quitters?
Image via CBS.com