SurPRIZE! It's a Glee wedding! Finn and Kurt’s mom/dad are engaged, and Kurt’s taking over – he’ll hire New Directions to do the wedding music, even! Can Finn be happy for his mom? He looks a little unsure.
Wait, it’s another Glee wedding! Sue’s ex is getting hitched, so she decides to make the ultimate commitment, too – to herself.
And oy my head, Sam gives a promise ring to Quinn, pledging that he'll be to be true to her till um … unclear. But it’s one of those pre-engagement rings that flew around my high school like pinkeye and head lice. She answers with a resounding maybe.
And another episode of Glee is off to a high-flying start!
Kurt’s bully, Dave Karofsky, seems to be turning into a stalky guy. He comes up to him, all intensey-weirdy; when Kurt tells him to step off, he sloooowly reaches in and.. takes Kurt’s bride-and-groom cake topper. Mr. Schue swoops in to take the shaken Kurt to the principal’s office… remember? The principal is now Sue Sylvester, who actually shows some empathy. She says the fear will make him stronger, but Kurt says it’s just distracting and he has a feeling something awful is going to happen. Somehow he's too mortified to mention the kissing incident. Legally, Sue can’t do anything till the kid actually hurts Kurt, but if and when that happens she’ll expel him “faster than the Thai take-out place can read back your order.”
Then comes one of those moments that make Glee great. Kurt turns back to Sue and says, “Just now? When you called me ‘lady?’ That was bullying, and it’s really hurtful.“
“I’m sorry,” says a straight-faced Sue. “I thought that was your name. As an apology, you may choose from the following three nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain, or Tickle-Me Dough-Face.”
Kurt thinks about it, and then chooses Porcelain. I love it: the way this show dips into real life, then hops back out because brrr, that’s cold, let’s wrap ourselves in some crazytowel!
Rachel tries to rope Brittney, Quinn and Rachel into getting all their boyfriends – football team members -- to pressure their teammate Karofsky to leave Kurt alone. Quinn insists she’s not dating Sam, and Rachel is horribly disappointed when Finn is too afraid of losing status to join in. But Mike Chang and Artie do their best, getting thumped in return – until Sam jumps in to defend them both. Sam!
Sue’s wedding preparations are interrupted by her mom, Doris Sylvester, played by Carol Burnett. And boy, we can see why Sue is like she is. A crusading Nazi hunter, she’s neglected both her daughters, and now that she’s here she reveals herself as the queen of undercutting. The self-wedding worries her– “have you given up on love?” – but if it’s going to happen, she’s going to. Ruh roh, is this why Sue hates Glee club?
A rehearsal for Sue’s wedding provides the backdrop for Musical Number #1 – “Ohio” from “Wonderful Town.” Jane Lynch and Carol Burnett singing a classic Broadway duet injected with exposition-enhancing rhyming couplets – I think I just reached my own personal Nirvana.
Kurt hosts a dance lesson for Burt and Finn. Just as Kurt’s about to dance with Finn, Kurofsky walks by and gives a limp-wrist wave. Burt goes ape-shit; Kurt reveals that Kurofsky threatened to kill him; they all land in Sue’s office, where Dave plays super innocent. His dad says, “Why would Kurt make that up?” “Maybe he likes me,” Dave grumps. Sue expels him.
It’s the day of the wedding, and Santana advises Finn to come clean about the fact that they did it so he’ll be cool. He can’t; he led Rachel to believe he’s a virgin too, and he’s afraid the truth will scare her off – and he loves her.
And it’s time to head down the aisle, to Bruno Mars’ “I Think I Want to Marry You” for Musical Number #2. It’s adorable, even (especially!) including Bert’s awkward shimmying down the aisle, plus extra touching when Finn’s face almost cracks an expression when he sees his mom in a wedding dress.
In his vows, Burt says “I lost someone I loved, but Kurt lost his mom.” He apologizes to Kurt for not being all there when he was small. Not a dry eye on my couch. In return, Carole says she is marrying two men, and thanks Finn for being supportive of her and “a brother to Kurt.” Man, Kurt’s awkward guilt is steaming up the stained-glass windows
At the reception, Shue croons Musical Number #3, “Sway With Me,” the Dean Martin classic. He kills it, milking his moment to solo-shine, and does microphone tricks to boot! And Kurt’s dance lessons obviously “took.”
Things are going swimmingly, and then it’s time for Finn’s best-man speech. He dubs the newest twosome – himself and Kurt – “Furt,” and promises to be a real brother to him from now on. And he and the glee club sing Musical Number #4, again by Bruno Mars: “Just The Way You Are.” He even dances with Kurt to prove his admiration. Even though it's not a romantic connection, this is possibly the sweetest and most profound love song we’re likely to see … pretty much ever. "When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change -- cuz you're amazing just the way you are." What a great thing to tell a gay kid.
And it’s time for Sue’s self-wedding. In comes Sue in a track-suit wedding dress that I simply must have. She takes herself to be her lawfully wedded spouse, but Carol Burnett stands up and insists on being the center of attention. “It’s taken me till now to understand it, but you’re a bully!” Sue tells her before kicking her out of the wedding.
Quinn congratulates Sam for protecting Kurt – and she’s wearing his promise ring. But Kurofsky is allowed back into the school by the school board. When Kurt protests that he’ll never feel safe, Sue reveals that she’s resigned as principal so she can keep an eye on him. Not necessary, because…
Burt and Carole are blowing their honeymoon money to transfer Kurt to Dalton, with its zero-tolerance no-bullying policy. It’s a blow to the friendships among the characters. And it’s a blow to the glee club, against whom he’ll now be competing at sectionals. Admit it, you can’t blame him … but as he strides tearfully out of the classroom, this silly little show packs an emotional wallop far beyond what anyone could have predicted.
And you guys, next week is sectionals … featuring music by Florence and the Machine! Hot diggity!
What was your favorite musical number? Were you as thrilled by Carol Burnett as I was?