What's better than a catfight? Why, a catfight on Broadway! Yep, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills have taken their dysfunction on the road to NYC and this week it's Part 2 of the Camille/Kyle showdown!
Woo frickin' hoo.
I don't mean to sound unenthusiastic because Lord knows I love me some lady fisticuffs, but I have to say that I'm getting a little tired of this rather unsubstantial fight between the delusional Camille and the stressed out Kyle. If you'll recall, this is all about Kyle supposedly saying Camille is nobody without her husband Kelsey Grammer and now it's blown up into this huge restaurant scuffle that's so bad, the women almost show facial expressions and chew food.
Caught in the middle of this hubbub is the hapless Kim, who Kyle claims is the only witness as to if she said the sentence in question. However, when given the chance to vindicate her sister, Kim just babbles, "I'm ... nervous ..." and totally chickens the shit out (even though she later says to the camera that her sister didn't say the evil thing). Honestly, Kim -- didn't making all of those Disney movies teach you that sometimes you have to do the right thing even when it's hard? What would Walt think if he wasn't frozen in a vault somewhere in the depths of Burbank?
The rest of the dinner fight is a little too tiresome to go into, although I was greatly entertained when Kim and Fish Lips Taylor got into it and Taylor threatened take her out back and "pull some Oklahoma on your ass," and the ladies then go back to their hotel rooms to drink virgin blood and watch Pay-Per-View.
And how is life in BH continuing without these fabulous ladies around? Well, here's how:
Adrienne Maloof and her husband Paul attend a funeral and bicker. (And was that her wedding dress hung in a frame in the hallway? Can anyone confirm?)
Lisa's husband Ken carries around cotton ball/dog Giggy and rearranges his mansion turtles.
Taylor's milquetoast husband Russell incompetently makes lunch for their daughter who proves she's a smart kid by hiding under the couch from him.
And Kyle's husband Mario takes off his shirt and swims with his daughters, which would have been a lot hotter if he didn't remind me of a wet John Turturro with better teeth.
OK, back to crazy town. It's the big opening of Kelsey's show La Cage Aux Folles and Camille is getting shellacked by her sycophantic glam squad. Seriously, all her "friend" D.D. does is curl hair and agree with Camille that everyone's jealous of her. Is she on the Grammer payroll with the job description "Camille Fluffer" or what?
The ladies then show up to the theater and surprise! Handsome Nick is there sitting next to Camille who rather ingenuously asks him, "Do I have a little too much cleavage?" Jesus, lady, just hump his leg and get it over with already. WE ALL KNOW YOU WANT TO.
After the show, Camille goes backstage to congratulate her husband Kelsey who smiles, but acts like he can't wait for her to go away. Maybe it's because he's tired, or maybe he's just jealous of Camille like the rest of the world's population. Hard to tell. However, he's nice to the ladies at the after party, much to Kyle's relief since Mario is their real estate agent and counts on them buying 10 or more houses a year so he can afford to have alpacas at his kid's birthday parties.
And now, let's finish up this recap with perhaps the most strange, most hilarious thing I've ever seen in all my years of Real Housewife viewing:
Camille sitting at her breakfast bar reading Sun Tzu's The Art of War.
If you're not familiar with this book, it's a famous Chinese military treatise written around the 6th century BC. In other words, the perfect guide book for a former MTV dancer who has four nannies and uses words like "Machiavellic." WTF? Seriously, does she think she's a douchebag agent trainee at CAA in 1992? Is she planning to stage a bloodless coup at Barney's? Or is she just getting ready for the next time Kyle "verbally assaults" her in a $1,000 a night hotel room? Oy yoy yoy. My head is a swimmin', people.
Of course, it's no surprise to anyone when Handsome Nick just happens to show up at her house fresh off a motorcycle ride. He gazes sympathetically at Camille as she compares Kyle to a "crazy homeless woman," then she proudly shows off her new word of the day, "pernicious," and goes on to use it three times in a row like a toddler who just watched Sesame Street for the first time. (But I'm probably just saying that because I'm jealous.)
Well, that's it for this week, but before I go, I want to take a little poll:
Question: Which Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Do You Believe?
Total Votes: 17
Total Votes: 17
I have my suspicions as to how this survey is going to go.
I'm pretty pernicious that way.