Gwyneth Paltrow Is No Beyonce ... Yet

Amy Keyishian
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Gwyneth Paltrow
Where's the Beyonce?
Everyone’s buzzing about Gwyneth Paltrow and her singing performance at the CMAs. The upshot: What business does she have being good at that, too?
 
Not to mention that she hasn’t weathered any damn “cold winters,” or “summers without a drop of rain,” unless you count having to walk to the 86th street stop of the number six subway in inclement weather, and frankly I doubt she ever even did that.
 
With her upcoming turn on Glee, all eyes are on her musical chops. But now the rumor mill is saying one of the reasons her crooning was so spectacular is that she was studying the moves of Beyonce.
 
Hold on just a second now.

If Paltrow’s basing her performance on Beyonce, we need to see a lot more than just some fancy singing. I mean, Beyonce is a force of nature. The effects should go much deeper and show a lot more. In fact, here are some demands that must be met if Gwyneth is going to cite Beyonce as an inspiration.

  • Gwyneth’s butt has to get a lot curvier. She has to ditch the 800-calorie diet and grow a hiney.
  • We need a Saturday Night Live takeoff of her country song starring Justin Timberlake as a backup dancer.
  • Her next movie has to be an Austin Powers sequel.
  • If Beyonce is Sasha Fierce, Gwyneth has to come up with an alter ego. May we suggest: Gwyneth is Ludmilla Cantankerous?
  • I sincerely hope Gwyneth does a long-form video with Lady Gaga.
  • I’m going to need Chris Martin to take notes from Jay-Z.
  • The Dereon fashion line better show up on Goop.

What do you expect from Gwyneth if she’s going to start taking notes from Beyonce?
 

Image via Sony Pictures


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