Shocker: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have admitted their so-called divorce was a publicity stunt. In an interview with Life & Style, the couple discussed the details of their apparent July split and recent reconciliation. You can read about the interview here, but I've recapped it for you, with only a few creative embellishments. You're welcome!
"Well, everyone knows I'm a giant douchebag with a creepy, mentally-ill beard," laughed Spencer, while lustfully petting the stack of hundred-dollar bills he was paid for the "candid" tabloid interview. "So . . . you know. This was all to improve my image. Hey, where did my big purple crystal go?"
Montag's recent plastic surgeries were all on display as her various body parts strained and groaned against their scant clothing items. "Obviously I have all KINDS of emotional and intellectual issues," she said. "I mean, look at my boobs, for god's sake. Get this: I don't even think they're big enough!"
"See, we blew through about $10 million bucks," explained Spencer. "Which . . . I know, right? How did that even happen? You could feed a starving nation on that no problem! But we've always been go-getters."
"HELLO!" shrieked Heidi. "DID THE MEDIA TURN ITS ATTENTION AWAY FROM ME FOR ONE SECOND I WILL CUT MYSELF!"
"Baby," soothed Spencer. "This interview is about us, and how we faked our divorce so some British TV network would pay us for a reality show after we got dumped from The Hills. You know, the show where I played an 'unlikeable character' because that wasn't me at ALL. God, I'm a great actor."
After stroking his disturbing facial hair for a while, Spencer went on to say, "We're planning to file for bankruptcy. I'm sure most people can can totally identify with the sort of economic challenges we're enduring. If we can't write off our debt, how will we pay for Heidi's second breast job?"
Heidi nodded furiously. "These things are my tickets to stardom," she hissed. "America owes me the money."
And then, in keeping with my fantasy interview, the Life & Style writer pulled out a pool cue and beat both of these empty-headed star-wannabes unconscious, before dragging their bodies out to the desert and burying them facedown in an anthill, where they were never heard from again.
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