'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Kiddie Party Palooza

Wendi Aarons

Remember your 4th birthday party? The custom-made floral decorations, the glistening goblets of champagne, the $2,000 diamond Barbie necklaces, the indie band who just lost all credibility by singing a personalized song they wrote for a preschooler named Kennedy?

Oh, and who could forget the best part of all: When your tarted up Real Housewife of Beverly Hills mother did a freaky big-lipped photo shoot (a la Taylor Armstrong) with her gay BFF while you sat pouting on a swing with your morose nanny!

Ah, memories.

Of course, none of us really had a 4th birthday party like that BECAUSE WE LIVE IN REALITY, but obviously Taylor doesn't because she had no problem spending $60,000 of Russell's money on an insane Mad Hatter shindig for her shy daughter Kennedy. The entire episode revolves around her getting ready for the party and saying how special it'll be for her daughter, but I think we all know which unfulfilled Botox queen the party was really for, no? At least, most 4-year-olds I know would be much happier spending their birthday party dodging fecal matter in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese than sipping tea from an expensive china service, anyway.

In a bit of fun parallel editing, the producers contrast Taylor's stupid blow-out with the more restrained, more family-friendly children's party thrown by Kyle for her 2-year-old daughter Portia. See, Kyle is much more grounded and real, which is why she only spent $15,000 on the party. Yep, $15,000 -- why, that's pennies! Sure, you could pay for four years of a not-so-great public college or buy a Honda sedan with that amount, but that's not how they roll here in the 90210. No, these bitches need Alpacas and French fry stations at their parties! They be livin' LARGE!

While the dueling birthday parties are going on, Camille loads up the kids, nannies, house managers, and other assorted staff and heads to Hawaii. Now, let me just say that I don't know what sort of maneuvers Camille did with her husband in their private bedroom time, but if that sort of talent would get me a house like theirs in Hawaii, I'm willing to do just about anything twice. (Well, short of a sex change or a three-way with Norm and Cliff from Cheers. Hawaii ain't that nice.)

Camille gives us her standard "It's really hard being me and doing SO much" shtick and compares herself to Jesus, which is juxtaposed against her strutting around in string bikinis while she watches nannies take care of her kids from afar. Seriously, at this point what Camille really needs to do is to spend a long weekend in a rundown Detroit apartment eating government cheese with a real single mother who has to make $20 stretch for 10 days. Then we'll see if she's still stressed out by too much responsibility. Humph.

This episode also introduces us to Adrienne's brood, a 6-year-old boy and two 4-year-old twin boys. The boys are just your everyday, typical kids who like to run around on their custom-made sports court in the backyard of their ginormous mansion, right before they sit down to eat hot dogs prepared by their in-house chef. Adrienne tells us that "motherhood is the hardest job there is," which seems a little disingenuous when it comes from these privileged ladies, but at least we don't have to see any Maloof modeling this episode.

Kim doesn't have much to do this week besides try to figure out how an oven works, but she does make time for a little sisterly spat with Kyle at the birthday party. Well done, Kim! Glad you found time for a fight.

Next, let's check in with the Vanderpumps. Lisa is quickly becoming my very favorite Housewife and I hate to admit it, but I actually think she's a good mother. We meet her 24-year-old daughter Pandora (who, for some reason, wears a hair turd curl on top of her head), and then we see her 18-year-old son Max, who's been banished to IDAHO (gasp!) for smoking pot, when he shows up to surprise her on her birthday. Lisa tells us Max was adopted as an infant and she couldn't love him more if he were biological. It's all very touching and sweet, then we see them tour the Musician's Institute on Hollywood Blvd. because Max wants to study guitar, and we all know it's just a short time before poor Max will be tempted by the evils of the entertainment world. STAY AWAY FROM KEITH RICHARDS, MAX! HE IS NOT YOUR MENTOR! STICK TO CHRISTIAN ROCK!

That's about it for this week, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the scene where No Muscles Russell totally usurps Taylor at the kiddie birthday party by giving their daughter a puppy. A puppy! What a lowdown, bastard type thing to do! I think Taylor is seething at this surprise because she makes a couple of snide comments about it, however, since her facial-filler filled face never really shows expression, her gay BFF Dwight has to tell us that she's really pissed off. (Note to Bravo: Since none of the BH Housewives are able to make their faces show expression, consider using subtitles to tell us their emotions. For example: "Taylor sad now," "Adrienne trying to scowl," "Camille smell bad thing.")

And now if you'll excuse me, I've got to stop this recap and go get ready for a kid's birthday party. Anyone know if Chuck E. Cheese serves alcohol?


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