This week on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, it's Camille and Taylor's time to shine! And by "shine," I of course mean "act like a blonde dumbass."
Allow me to explain.
We open with Camille playing tennis somewhere on her vast Frasierland property. But is she playing tennis with her Emmy-winning husband Kelsey? No! She's whacking balls with their good friend "Handsome Nick," a dude who makes David Beckham look like a maggoty troll. A giggling Camille tells us she and Nick are "just buddies," but do you ever rub your hands all over your buddy's torso like he's a big piece of meat and you're a starving street urchin? Something seems a wee bit fishy here, me thinks, so we'll have to keep an eye on it.
Now, here's a question for you: Did you know that Adrienne Maloof owns the Palms Casino? No? Well, that just means you haven't been paying attention, my friend, because it's only been mentioned about a hundred-thousand fucking times. I mean, at this point, the title of the show should be changed to "What Does the Maloof Family Own?" But maybe I'm just jealous because the only thing I've ever owned in Vegas was a bad case of "swimmer's rash." Who knows.
Adrienne and Swarthy Paul decide to invite the "girls" and "guys" to Vegas for a Jay-Z concert (even though not a single one of them can name a Jay-Z song), but before they go, they have an Uncomfortable Brunch. Yay! All of the usual suspects show up to air kiss, then we have a little Kyle/Kim sister dust up when Kim says she's going on a date and Kyle tells her she has bad taste in men. Poor Kim. When will she ever find true, non-douchebag love?
Now on to the big Vegas weekend where we're treated to montage after montage of high heels stepping out of cars at (wait for it) The Palms Casino! After a truly horrifying scene where the ladies try to play basketball on an indoor court, we see them eat, club, and apply lip gloss. Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, most especially Camille because she gets to DANCE. Yes, the former Club MTV dancer is in her hair flinging element, so much so that Swarthy Paul even shoves a fiver down her top. A fiver! Klassy!
Camille reasserts to the camera that she's a "guy's girl" because women are too catty. Then, while the rest of the women at the pool watch her like she's a fox in a chicken coop, she sits in the middle of the husbands and discusses her boob job while doing tequila shots. Later, to make matters even weirder, Handsome Nick shows up at their group dinner (like he was just passing by The Palms) and he nicely lets Camille play grab ass with him while he eats casino food. Seriously, what's going on here? Does Niles know about this? Or Sam Malone?
Anyway, let's move on to what I thought was the most fascinating bit of the show: RUSSELL! (Note: That was the one and only time the words "fascinating" and "Russell" will ever be used in the same sentence.) If you've never seen Taylor's husband Russell before, just imagine a shorter, blander IRS accountant, but with less personality and charm. Seriously, this guy's rap name would be "MC Zero Charisma." I wonder if that's a heart in his chest or just a discount microchip?
Taylor must be under some kind of Russell spell, because Lisa Vanderpump almost busts a nut laughing when she first meets the man who's been described as a "Texan, bull riding cowboy." Lisa's also incredulous when Taylor tells the group that SHE pursued Russell after seeing him from across the room. Maybe he was covered in hundred dollar bills and stock options that night? Anyway, Russell leaves the group to fly to Arizona for some meetings/golf games/mistress boinking, which makes Taylor's big lips stick out even more while she pouts about it. He returns later for dinner, only to watch his wife have oral sex with a bowl of cotton candy, but then tells Taylor they're leaving the party like she's a stupid 5-year-old.
"Russell drives the bus in this relationship," Taylor says, but I know that if I were her, I'd be flinging open the emergency exit doors and jumping out of that freakin' bus and into oncoming traffic as soon as freak face stepped on the gas pedal. Hello, road rash, good by Russell rash.
Once back in the safety of Beverly Hills, the ladies discuss some supposed altercation that happened between Camille and Kyle. Camille claims Kyle "interrogated" her about her trip to Hawaii and Kyle claims that Camille acts like she's in elementary school. Blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine. I really hope they don't show us any more of this stupid she said/she said drama next week.
I mean, unless Handsome Nick gets involved.
Image via BravoTV