'Survivor Nicaragua' Recap: 'It May Have Been the Stupidest Move'

Linda Sharps
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Someone tell the Survivor producers they need to stop opening with a night scene of Espada, because it's getting—AAAHHHH ARE THOSE DAN'S BLURRED-OUT TESTICLES THE CAMERA IS LINGERING ON DEAR GOD NOOOOO ...

Whew, we're back to La Flor, where no one's genitalia is present. Marty confronts Jane about the last tribal council vote, saying, "I think you wrote my name down." Jane's response is to laugh awkwardly and ... slap him on the back. Uhhhh, worst poker face ever, Jane.

Challenge time! This one's for a reward and involves people throwing balls while leaping into a pit of water. Fabio stops to take a leisurely whizz while he's submerged, announcing that it doesn't matter because the water's dirty anyway. Well it certainly is NOW, Fabio. Gross.

Espada wins, earning one of those travel-somewhere-exotic-and-become-overwhelmed-with-emotion rewards. Sure enough, Chase gets choked up when they start with a group horseback ride, because it reminds him of his father, who passed away. It's kind of a touching scene but I'm distracted by the fact that everyone suddenly has long pants. Can you have long pants whenever you want on Survivor, you think, or only when there's a threat of saddle chafing?

They move on to visiting a Nicaraguan farm where everyone tries their hand at milking a cow. Predictably, NaOnka is horrible at this, and announces—unnecessarily—that she's not a farm person. "I don't play with animals' nipples," she says, because that's what milking's all about, right? PLAYING WITH COW NIPPLES?

I'm ... pretty sure I don't want to know what NaOnka's opinions on breastfeeding are.

Back at La Flor, Jane catches a fish while the rest of her tribe lies around picking their noses. Jane may be no good at bluffing but she's also no fool: she sneaks off into the woods where she magically starts a fire on her own, then she cooks and eats the damn thing. Suck it, lazy La Flor members! Hope you enjoy your fillet of NOTHING tonight.

Challenge time again! This one's for tribe immunity, and Espada easily wins. Afterward, La Flor's strategizing about who should go, and Brenda and Sash come up with what sounds like an insane plan: they're going to ask Marty to give up his immunity idol, with the promise that he won't get voted out. Oh my god, how ridiculous! Who would possibly go for such a transparent ploy? You'd have to be a complete IDIOT to ...

Oh. Yeah, so Marty agrees and gives his idol to Sash.

Huh.

He justifies the choice by reasoning he's got to either give it to Jeff (by playing it) or give it to Sash. "I just want to live one more cycle," he says, desperately, and is it just me? Am I the only one throwing things at the TV right now, because the dumbass would have been GUARANTEED to make it through tonight if he'd just PLAYED THE IDOL?

Tribal council! This time we get at least four lingering shots of a snake some poor CBS intern has had to wind around a gate nearby. It's a SERPENT, get it? Representing DECEITFULNESS, do you see? Yes, yes, Survivor, you're very clever. Now run along and play so Mommy can talk.

Marty confesses that he gave up the idol, saying it may have been the stupidest move in Survivor history. I tend to agree, Marty. Jeff asks if Sash would be willing to give the idol over to Brenda, and Sash responds, "If there comes a time when I don't trust them—er, uh, ah, I mean, they don't trust me."

Paging Dr. Freud, Sash. Is that a cigar in your pants or did you just give yourself away?

Voting time! I'm positive Marty's going to go, and by his bug-eyed expression, I'm guessing he thinks so too. Jeff starts reading off the votes: two for Marty, two for Jane, two for Jill, and the next person who will be going home ... long, dramatic pause ... quick check-in with that snake ... and holy crap, it's Jill.

As Jill's torch gets extinguished, Marty shakes his head, apparently disgusted with the vote. Seems like he should be tongue-kissing the ground in gratitude over being alive to play another round, but I'm sure he'll find a way to explain how giving up the idol was actually the smartest move in Survivor history.

I'm bummed to see Jill go, but I'm kind of glad Marty's still around. He's a weasel for sure, but he's fun to watch. Next week's the merge, so things should get interesting!



Image via CBS


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