'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: The Easter Parade of Madness

Wendi Aarons
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Lisa Vanderpump

It may be almost Halloween in the real real world, but in the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills world, it's Easter weekend. And what better place to celebrate Jesus' resurrection than Palm Springs where 99% of the population also looks like they've just risen from the dead?

At least that's what our love/hate sisters Kyle and Kim seem to be thinking as they travel to the desert with their menagerie of children for a fun weekend at their family home. (And in a sly bit of editing, we see Kim talking about how she loves road trips with her children because "we talk, play games, it's our time." Meanwhile, the bored kids completely ignore her to text and fart.)

The sisters are still kind of on the outs after last week's dust up, but I'm starting to suspect that these two fight and make up more than Ike and Tina during the "Proud Mary" years.  For example, after deciding to have a BBQ, they head to a "glamorous market" where they snipe at each other over such important topics as which tortilla chips are "more Mexican," the amount of butter needed to make potatoes, and how to properly pronounce "salsa." They then spend $500 on food, which is roughly $400 more than it'd cost me to feed the entire state of Indiana.

Later, the Vanderpump-Todds (Lisa, Ken, ugly little dog) show up for said BBQ, and instead of a grand old time, we see Kyle and Kim have yet another fight that's either about who's skinnier or whose turn it is to de-worm their niece Paris.

Over in Beverly Hills, Mrs. Maloof, the taut-faced casino magnate, lunches with her husband whose name is either Paul or "He Who Act Like Trained Seal When Camera On." After a fight about turkey chili, she tells him she's flying to Vegas for a lingerie shoot, then gets annoyed when he invites himself along. Personally, I think she should be happy he's going because God knows it's always good to have a plastic surgeon on board should a lip or boob explode mid-air. Safety first, Adrienne.

Of course, the photo shoot soon turns awkward when a jealous Paul shows up and nervously meets the hot male model ("Shaw, as in The Shawshank Redemption") who's posing with Mrs. Maloof. If it wasn't so completely delusional that he thinks his wife has a chance with someone whose abs can cut a mirror in half, it might actually be kind of sweet to see him squirm like a swarthy teenager.

Now here's a fun question: Do you have a "favorite chocolatier"? No? Well, Lisa Vanderpump does! And she even commissioned a pair of chocolate Christian Louboutin heels for a friend. Isn't that such a practical and thoughtful gift? Lisa then continues her wise candy spending by giving a $1,000 chocolate Easter bunny to Kyle and Kim in Palm Springs. In a truly horrific scene, the two maniacs rip the poor bastard apart in mere seconds like they think it's filled with Vicodin and hair extensions. Scare--ree!

Speaking of Vicodin and hair extensions, let's check in with America's favorite "blonde," Camille Grammer! Today Camille is at her Malibu home -- one of their "7 or 8 houses" -- and we see her take a meeting with a messy writer somewhere on her property. She proudly tells us that she's "a producer, an idea person, and the creative one" in the marriage. Why, she even recommended Patricia Arquette for the lead role in Medium! (When reached for comment, Patricia Arquette said, "Um, what? You mean the one with the crazy eyes?")

After Camille talks about the show she's pitching (that was inspired by her daughter's relationship with her -- wait for it -- NANNY), she meets with an interior decorator who she's flown in just for the day so he can get her NYC apartment ready for her. After all, the woman can't be expected to live somewhere that doesn't even have coordinated fabrics or muthafokkin' throw pillows waiting. She's not an ANIMAL.

Which brings us to The Fish (aka Taylor). Taylor has racks of clothing brought to her home by her stylist and chirps it's "one of the perks of being married to Russell!" Yep, and after getting a good look at Russell, I'd say another perk would be hysterical blindness and/or asymptomatic gonorrhea. Later, The Fish has drinks with Brody Jenner's mother, the stretched out songwriter Linda Thompson, and they discuss how their kids don't know how lucky they are and decide that Taylor should take her daughter to Africa to see really hungry people.

The weekly nutfest wraps up with Kim and Kyle at the Sonya Dakar skin care palace for Kim's daughter's 20th birthday party. (BTW, Kim has a daughter she named "Kimberly." Discuss.) The sisters eat brunch, squabble about Kim being too codependent on her kids and then, in between facials and mani/pedis, another sister fight breaks out. They didn't even have time for an egg hunt.

Happy Easter, everybody!

 

Image via Bravo


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