Kim Kardashian Birthday Blues: 30 Gifts for the Old Hag

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kim kardashianDespite having an excuse to be the guest of honor at several birthday celebrations, Kim Kardashian is having mixed emotions about turning the big 3-0.

The gorgeous socialite and reality star recently admitted that her naked W shoot might be the last time she'll pose nude because "I'm too old for that now ... I wanted to get it all out of my system before I turned 30."

Poor Kim. It's so hard being sooooo "old." In order to soften the transition into old age, we hope she accepts these 30 gifts from some of her biggest fans in honor of her 30 years on the planet.

What do you give the girl who has everything? We have a few fun ideas.

1. Butt Bra Body Shapewear -- for when the inevitable sag sets in.

2. Botox (the non-bruising kind, of course).

3. Reading glasses.

4. A private, all-inclusive weekend getaway to a tropical retirement community so she can see what the future has in store.

5. Sensible shoes -- because hobbling around in stilettos is dangerous.

6. A cane (if she returns the sensible shoes). 

7. Haircut and perm. Her days donning long, thick, shiny locks are numbered.

8. A lifetime supply of hair dye. After all, grays are part and parcel of being elderly. How do you think she'll look in blue?

9. Diamond dentures. If there's any truth to the rumors that she's dating Kanye West, she has to keep up with his bling. If not, at least she can match her birthday cake.

10. Denture cleaner (see above).

11. Cats. Any old lady worth her salt has got to have a $4 million house full of cats.

12. Non-lactating breasts -- because she thinks breastfeeding is so disgusting.

13. A year's worth of free birth control (see above).

14. Heating pad.

15. Depends (extra-large, obviously).

16. Dart board with Scott Disick's head as the target. Healthy ways to release tension are important in old age.

17. A lock box where she can keep any new sex tapes away from the public eye. Because really? No one wants to see old people have sex.

21. Support hose. Oh, wait, she already has some.

22. Prunes.

23. A subscription to Match.com in case she decides she wants to settle down soon.

24. Directory of available pro-sports athletes (see above).

25. Carpal tunnel massager to give her a little relief from all the tweeting.

26. Driving glasses to match her brand-new Rolls Royce. Now, if she could only pass that mandatory old person driving test.

27. A spot on Bravo's The Real Housewives of Boca Raton.

28. Brain teasers -- easy ones -- to stay sharp in old age.

29. Anti-aging cream.

30. A vacation from Twitter.

What would you give Kim K. for her birthday?

 

Image via Getty

 

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