Oh thank god, the wait is almost over. Just a couple more weeks and we can all rush to Amazon.com to order Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore, written by the history's foremost expert in self-help tomes, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino himself.
When I first heard about this literary gem I was expecting a really fantastic title, and I have to say, I wasn't disappointed. It's like someone at Gotham books did about 20 shots with the guy and they typed it up together, tittering and fist-bumping and comparing penis sizes.
But they didn't stop the creativity train at the title, did they? No indeed, they really put their all into that cover art. I mean, there he is ... with his midsection exposed! Looking pretty much like the biggest bag of douche the world has ever seen! It's so fresh. So unexpected.
Since this paper-bound turd is, sadly, bound to be a runaway bestseller, I was thinking a few other celebs should follow suit with an M. Night-esque book cover twist of their very own. You know, in order to break free of their cliched reputations, forge new ground as artists, and resurrect the embers of a dying publishing industry.
Here are a few of my sure-to-be-golden ideas:
Livin' the Surly Ungrateful Jail-bait Lifestyle, by Taylor Momsen & Miley Cyrus.
Cover: Provocative scene of the young stars tongue-kissing on a bed made of cigarettes, hundred-dollar bills, and the smoking ruins of their childhood innocence.
Boobs Boobs Boobies Hooters Bozangas Titty Titty Bang Bang, by Katy Perry.
Cover: Fractal image of Perry's cleavage, with thousands of tiny Perrys tucked inside. Wearing push-up bras.
Man, I Wear Super Weird Shit All the Time, Don't I?, by Lady Gaga.
Cover: Gaga. Meat G-string. Boom.
PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEE!, by Paris Hilton.
Cover: Speculum-cam shot of Paris exiting a limo.
Home Cooking With Favre, by Brett Favre.
Cover: Corn dogs. Lots and lots of corn dogs.
I know what you're thinking—Linda, how are you not a celebrity PR expert in incredibly high demand with publicists everywhere?—and frankly, I'm thinking the same thing. I may have missed my calling, you guys.
Image via Penguin.com