I can assure you of one thing: I will not be seeing Jackass 3D, and it's not just because we can't afford the $17/hour babysitter for a date night. It's because every Jackass show involves someone doing something that makes them puke, and I already have issues with puke scenes in movies—I really, REALLY don't need to see someone's vomit seemingly flying through the air in front of me.
I'm not quite as curmudgeonly as Roger Ebert about 3D movies, but it's not exactly a selling point for me either, especially when it's unlikely to add anything to the film.
Unfortunately, Jackass's box office success ($50 million in opening weekend alone, good lord) means we're probably going to see more and more movies that require you to wear funny glasses in order to enjoy them. And you KNOW producers are rubbing their little Mr. Burns hands together right now while trying to think of the next questionable television show that should go to the big screen, preferably with that extra thrilling dimension.
Hollywood, let me save you the work. I've got your 3D blockbusters right here:
TEEN MOM 3D. The family drama, the sulking boyfriends, the inevitable juicy birth scene—it's real and in your face. (Literally.)
THE HILLS 3DoubleD. Can't you just imagine Heidi's massive straining hooters bulging their way out of the screen and into the audience, as hundreds of horny teenage guys involuntarily reach out a hand to try and grab one?
TODDLERS & TIARAS 3D. This one would be billed as a horror movie, natch.
JERSEY SHORE 3D. So lifelike you can almost smell the booze, tanning oil, hair grease, and bodily secretions in the hot tub.
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF WHEREVER 3D. The extra D stands for diamonds.
Got any shows to add to the list? We'll pitch this to Paramount, you guys. Money in the bank.
Image via JackassMovie.com