It was hard to focus on much during this week's episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta other than Kim Zolciak's boobs.
They are HUGE, and she chooses to stuff them in tiny little corsets and tops so that they pop up, out, and all over the place. The television screen was a constant blur as her nipples were censored while she tried on countless outfits in preparation for her big performance at the White Party in Palm Springs.
She was to perform her one hit, "Don't Be Tardy for the Party," in front of the thousands of gays who gathered for the weekend of events. It was her first performance outside of a nightclub.
OMG! ... as she repeatedly kept saying, out loud.
All signs pointed to a disaster in the desert, especially in the wardrobe malfunctions department. Starting from a huge martini glass on stage, she had to be reminded to cover her "vajayjay," which was a little difficult to do in the dress she chose.
The dress, if one could call it that, looked as if she had forgotten both her pants and shirt and just tied a puffy black tutu around her midsection. It barely covered her boobs, and they were so precariously placed in it that a strap had to be sewn on last minute to secure them.
Phew, one disaster averted.
Another was dodged at the very last minute before she took to the stage, and the wind took her skirt up in the air -- and revealed everything below. Her stylist came to the rescue again and pinned the whole thing down.
And the show went on ...
Besides sounding like crap per usual (sorry, she just can't sing), Kim actually did a pretty good job and didn't violate any public decency laws.
The other Housewives were immersed in a smattering of other minor matters, but didn't mingle with one another at all -- which means the episode was light on the drama.
The most noteworthy matter, however, was that of Phaedra Parks and her marriage to ex-con Apollo. She says he's a white collar criminal who is "no different than Martha Stewart."
I give their marriage about a negative 10 percent chance of surviving. They have nothing in common, and she's living in some crazy fantasy/child beating land.
Of the child they're expecting together, she's ready to beat the hell out of him if the child so much as looks at her the wrong way and expects him to be seen, not heard. Apollo, being somewhat sane and all, doesn't agree.
When they met with a couple from church to discuss their marital woes, they were both asked to talk about what their "love language" is -- basically what the other can do to show they care. He gave a respectable response of quality time. For Phaedra, however, love means gifts -- BIG gifts.
Oh, and when it comes to food, they have VERY different views, according to fancy Phaedra:
Apollo does not like very elaborate dishes, and I am a connoisseur of finer food. Brought up in white household, he's not used to all this fancy food. He likes canned food, he likes pack meat.
Negative 10 percent may be a little high come to think of it.
What did you think of Kim's performance? Is Phaedra for real?
Image via bravotv.com