After successfully shaking the perimenopausal nut tree in Orange County, New York, New Jersey, D.C., and Atlanta, the Real Housewives franchise has now landed in the most famous zip code in the world. Or, as they announce in the opening credits, "The land of make believe!" Which is basically just a fancy way of saying all the women here look like $9.99 blow-up dolls dressed in Louboutin heels and gold jewelry.
But let us not judge too soon.
The first woman we meet is the British Lisa Vanderpump, who reminds me of either Joan and Jackie Collins or Dylan McKay's mother before she died in a meth lab explosion. (Memory might be fuzzy on that one.) Lisa is married to Ken and they live in a ginormous mansion that makes the RHNJ's houses look like moldy refrigerator boxes. And of course, Lisa has the two requisite Beverly Hills accessories: a dog that weighs 10 ounces and a hot gay house guest named Cedric.
Across the street from Lisa, in another gigantic house, is the dynamic Adrienne Maloof. Adrienne is l-o-a-d-e-d and I don't mean in the Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio kind of way. Among other things, she co-owns the Sacramento Kings NBA team and the Palms Casino and she tells us she keeps her money separate from her husband Paul, a hairy plastic surgeon. She then body slams the 14-year-old son of their trainer and bites the head off a bat. (Just part of that is true.)
Next we see the woman who's already looking like the show's patsy: Camille Grammer. At the time of the show's taping, Camille was married to Dr. Frasier Crane, but of course we all know how that turned out. Anyway, Camille loves dancing and vacant eyed stares and lives in a house on 17 acres. She also has four -- that's right FOUR -- round-the-clock nannies for her two school-aged children. (And while the nannies are probably cute in the real world, they're pretty much 90210 troglodytes. This is because Camille obviously followed the Jude Law Law: NEVER HIRE HOT NANNIES.)
Housewife #4 is Taylor Armstrong, or as I like to call her, "The Fish." Taylor is from Oklahoma and has more weight in her lips than she does in the rest of her entire body. She tells us it's really difficult to be someone who "wants more," and life would be easier if she was just average. Uh-huh. Taylor then pays a visit to her friend Adrienne's husband for some "work," which left me with two overwhelming questions: 1) Why would someone pay to have throbbing boils put on their face? and 2) How come the only "work" my friends' husbands can help me with is fucking tax planning?
Anyway, The Fish kind of makes me sad because she's WAY insecure and thinks her douchebag husband is going to dump her for a "20-year-old HAHAHAHAHAHA!" I'm sure he will.
Now on to the Richards sisters, who seem like decent people except for the fact that they're Paris Hilton's aunts. Yep, these two poor bastards actually have the same DNA as the woman who makes Snooki look like a Nobel laureate. Question: Do you think they spend their family reunions planting cocaine in each other's purses?
No matter, because first up is Kim Richards who you may remember from Escape to Witch Mountain if you're as old as I am. She was a "quite famous" child actor and because of that she has no social skills. What she does have is four kids from three (?) baby daddies, no husband, and a very ruddy complexion.
Kim's younger sister Kyle was also a child actor (Little House on the Prairie, Halloween), has four kids and is married to a bohunk named Mauricio. She tells us she has spending issues, but she still seems like a fun gal with tons of hair that may or may not be from a Chinese woman.
Once we've met all of the loose screws, there's just a little time for us to see them all fly up to Sacramento on a private jet to attend the Kings/Lakers game as the guests of Adrienne. After a slightly awkward dinner where someone (Camille) uses the term "Cover your rat," they go to the game where someone (Camille) dribbles the ball with a little person, then someone (Camille) does a weird dance with the mascot. I suspect the ladies are already starting to think of Ms. Grammer as the dim-bulb cousin who only gets to come out of the basement on her birthday.
Later, we find out Taylor and Kim didn't have a good connection and don't like each other (foreshadowing!), then Kyle and Kim have a sister fight about Kim needing to be more friendly.
Whew. After all the hair, the dogs, and the lips, I'm exhausted.
But I can't wait for next week.
Image via Bravo TV