Paris Hilton: Stepmother or Stepmonster?

Cary Fagan
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hiltonThe hard-partying heiress Paris Hilton has taken on a new and challenging role: acting stepmom to beau Cy Waits' seven-year-old daughter Shea.

I'm sure you're shuddering right now ... I know I did when I first read it. But if you must know, it's not surprising. Mr Waits is no angel himself. Hit-and-runs, DUIs ... you know ... the usual. Frankly I'm guessing he's not all that picky.

And Ms. Hilton has made no secret of the fact that she's always wanted little ones so -- is this a match made in heaven or hell?

Before you grab the phone and dial child protective services, let's give Paris a chance. After all, everyone deserves one, don't you agree?  So good luck, Momma Paris. But before welcoming the blonde party girl fully into the family fold, Waits and his daughter should pay mind to this list of Do's and Don'ts:

First and foremost, do not, under any circumstances accept her offer of gum.

Paris often mixes up her cocaine and her Juicy Fruit (silly girl!) and it's just not okay to give coke to a kid. Ever.

Do not sing with your stepmom, Shea. No Row Row Row Your Boat. No Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Not even one blind mouse. Zippo. Why, you ask? Download a copy of her My BFF single. You'll thank me in the end.

Do not let on that her dog, Tinkerbell, is a better writer than she is. In my mind, The Tinkerbell HIlton Diaries blew away Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose. And to point that out is just mean. You don't want to hurt her feelings, do you?

Do subscribe to Netflix. Hitting the video store en famille could be risky. Shea may get an unwanted eyeful of 1 Night in Paris, step-mommy's sex DVD with former boyfriend Rick Salomon.

Do double-check that Paris locked the door. She's been burglarized at least five times and you don't want a sixth, now, do you?

And finally ...

Don't plan a family vacation to Japan. They won't let mommy in.

What do you think? Is Paris Hilton capable of being a stepmother to anything other than a goldfish?

Image via Facebook

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