"Eat this in remembrance of Glee." It’s heavy mystery time on Glee as the kids of New Directions come face-to-face with the mysteries of the universe, and then the little bastards make me cry.
After seeing an image of a deity in the George Foreman Grill, Finn prays to Grilled Cheesus that his football team win the game, promising that if He’ll grant his wish, Glee Club will honor Him in return.
Meanwhile, Kurt and his dad argue about Friday night dinners, a sacred tradition started by his mom. His dad is insistent that they keep the ritual, but Kurt’s over it, to his great disappointment.
Finn’s religious conversion goes over like a lead balloon; Puck objects, saying that though Jesus is his “number-one heeb,” he doesn’t like being told what to do. Which brings us to Musical Number #1, in Puck’s continuing streak of songs by Jewish artists: “Only the Good Die Young,” by Mr. Billy Joel.
And now for the worst surprise ever:
Kurt’s dad has a heart attack! Oh god don’t let him be dead. If he’s dead I’ll never watch this show again. Oh god thank god he’s alive! He’s comatose because blah blah oxygen lidocaine. The doctor says he might never wake up at all.
Finn has a serious talk with Grilled Cheesus again. We’re all expecting him to pray for Mr. Hummel. Instead, hoping God’s like a genie with three wishes, he asks to touch Rachel’s boobs.
In class, the kids try to comfort Kurt. Which brings us to Brittney’s Deadpan #1: “I did a book report on heart attacks if you want to give it to the doctor.” Mercedes asks to sing a song for Kurt, a spiritual one, which will be Musical Number #2: “I Look to You,” by Whitney Houston. Please note: Puck’s cute and all, but his song was hella autotuned. This song doesn’t need a drop. If I could pray to Grilled Cheesus, I would pray for no more autotune.
Kurt thanks her, but states that he doesn’t believe in God. Why would He make Kurt gay, then have His followers accuse Kurt of “choosing” something that makes people mock him endlessly? This confuses Brittney, who busts out Brittney’s Deadpan #2: “Is God an evil dwarf?”
Rachel stops at Finn’s house and questions his newfound love for Jesus. When she’s 25 and has won two Tony awards and is ready for intercourse and babies, she wants to know they’ll be raised in the Jewish faith. He says sure, the kids can go to Jew-church and wear those hats and put that salty orange stuff on their bagels. In return, she lets him feel her up. Thank you, Grilled Cheesus!
Sue Sylvester is after Mr. Schuester again -- for allowing the kids to sing spiritual songs. No prayer in public schools, you know. When she quizzes Brittney and Santana (aka “Jugs the Clown”), they say everyone just feels horrible for Kurt. (Brittney’s Deadpan #3: “I made him a card that says ‘heart attacks are just from loving too much.’”) Anyway, they reveal Kurt is decidedly not into the spirituality lesson. So Sue goes straight to the source and encourages Kurt to file a complaint.
Emma’s furious when she hears about this. Sue gives her a lecture about how she prayed all her life for her sister to get better. “After a while I realized it wasn’t that I wasn’t praying hard enough. It was that nobody was listening.” She thinks it’s immoral to let someone believe in a fantasy.
Meanwhile, Tina complains: Last week they were too sexy, this week they’re too spiritual -- they can’t win. Which brings us Brittney’s Deadpan #4: “Now I know what Miley feels like.”
Finn has a third favor to ask of Grilled Cheesus; he wants to make quarterback. Puck catches him at it and admits he’s been praying, too -- for Kurt’s dad to get better. Right! That’s the stuff Finn’s been praying for too!
That night, he and Rachel sit outside and brings us Musical Number #3: Like Barbra Streisand before her, Rachel sings “Papa Can You Hear Me.” Dizzam, this girl has pipes. And chutzpah. I mean, taking on Barbra! The song ends with everyone at Burt Hummel’s bedside, praying in different denominations; Kurt throws them out.
Finn changes the play and gets the other quarterback injured. It’s a horrible way to get what he’d asked for.
Back in class, Kurt reports that since his dad’s condition hasn’t changed, he must express himself in song. Remembering his mom’s funeral, he recalls how his dad, without words, squeezed his hand to let him know he was there -- and here come copious tears and Musical Number #4, a slow, mournful version of The Beatles’ “I Want to Hold Your Hand,” with more montage of Kurt and his dad throughout his childhood. Glee. You are killing me this week. Seriously, killing me. Cut it out.
Mercedes invites Kurt to church that Sunday, where they can dedicate the service to Burt and he can wear a fabulous hat -- even if he doesn’t believe. He agrees.
Finn “confesses” to Emma that he’s responsible for Sam’s injury because he prayed to Grilled Cheesus. She talks him down, pointing out that God works in mysterious ways, but not through sandwiches. Finn no longer feels special ... he’s like everyone else, just floating around in space.
Cue Musical Number #5, REM’s “Losing My Religion.” Finn’s crisis of faith has him gazing at Kurt -- wondering if there’s really anything that can help him.
Kurt does, in fact, wear an insouciant chapeau to church, and is duly impressed by everyone’s Sunday best. From her position in the choir, Mercedes tells him it’s ok not to believe in God, but he has to believe in something mysterious and helpful; otherwise life is too hard. And oh my! We have never heard anything like Musical Number #6, a honey-sweet, silky-smooth rendition of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” Kurt’s touched by everyone’s spirit -- but is he won over, if not converted?
Sue plays checkers with her beloved sister. “Do you believe in God, Janey?” Her sister doesn’t accept Sue’s anger on her behalf, saying God never makes mistakes.
At the hospital, Kurt shares a memory with his comatose dad of the first Friday dinner after Kurt’s mom’s death -- a ruined chicken, a moment of laughter. He apologizes for not letting everyone pray for him. “It wasn’t about me, it was about you, and it was nice. I don’t believe in God, dad, but I believe in you, and I believe in us.” Glee. Cut. It. OUT!! I’m not supposed to cry at you.
Whoa! Kurt’s dad squeezes his hand back! To the strains of Musical Number #7: “What if God Was One of Us?” by Joan Osborne. What if God was a slob like one of us, just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way back home? Sue comes in and Schue braces himself for her onslaught, but it never comes. And it won’t.
I’m emotionally exhausted. How about you?
Image via Fox