'Survivor Nicaragua' Recap: 'Go Long, Jimmy'

Linda Sharps
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This week's episode of Survivor opens with the Espada tribe, in a puzzling scene that features coach Jimmy Johnson hooting along with some howler monkeys. As the monkeys respond, Marty fumes in the background, peevishly threatened by everything about Jimmy. Possibly including Jimmy's actual johnson, which has been, by his own claims, enhanced.

Over at the younger tribe, Jud/Fabio seems to be getting high off campfire smoke. No, really: he's sticking his face in the fire and inhaling. "Far out, bro!" he says, his one remaining brain cell rambling, confused, and lonely, around the confines of his skull.

NaOnka, who is swiftly securing her position as the Bitchiest Bitch Who Ever Bitched, tells the camera something we've known since episode one: "Fabio, he's so stupid."

Yeah, but I'll take stupid and kind of likable over poisonous and hateful any day, NAONKA.

Back at Espada, Marty announces to the tribe that he's got the immunity idol. The camera pans lovingly up and down the idol while everyone claps and cheers. What a guy! What a selfless team member! For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good—oh wait, Marty's a total scheming asshat and no one seems to see it except Tyrone, who glowers suspiciously. Although it's hard to tell the difference, since Tyrone is pretty much always glowering suspiciously.

At La Flor, we have some gratuitous footage of hot chicks in bikinis. Can we just admit right now that Kelly B. probably has an entire fanbase of lustful amputee fetishists? Okay then.

Challenge time! "Come on in guys!" yells Jeff, that being his signature catchphrase and all. It's another reward/immunity challenge, and what the hell, what's up with this new format of only showing one challenge per episode? It seems like the entire focus has shifted to the strategies happening in camp, which would be more interesting if we had, say, a Russell around this season.

It's a fairly close challenge but the younger tribe wins, despite having passed on using the (*booming voice*) Medallion of Power. La Flor's reward is a bunch of herbs and fruit and spices and crap, and NaOnka and Kelly B. both spot a hidden immunity idol clue stuffed in a basket. Which is awesome, since they totally hate each other. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Sure enough, as soon as they're back at camp, NaOnka basically tackles Kelly B. to the ground and takes the paper. Later, she crows to the camera about what a badass street thug she is. "I push you so hard that damn leg will fall off," she says, swiveling her head back and forth.

If I can hope for one scene this season, it's that we get to see Kelly B. whip that leg off and beat NaOnka over the head with it. Please.

At Espada, Jimmy T. whines to the tribe that he wasn't utilized well during the challenge. His skills were totally wasted and Coach totally left him on the bench. Jesus, somebody call the wahmbulance.

As the tribe starts talking about who they're going to vote off, Marty is—no surprise—gunning for Jimmy Johnson. He clearly can't stand to be on a tribe with a man whose penis is so much larger than his, and he starts circling the wagons, campaigning to get rid of Coach. Why people are actually listening to Marty is beyond me. "There's some people who are pretty smart," he tells the camera, then he remembers what an insecure jerkweed he is.

"Well, actually not that many," he amends.

Tribal council! More footage of snakes! What is this place, the Temple of freaking Doom? Jimmy T. immediately starts bitching some more about his wasted talent, and confesses that he thinks he's a threat to Jimmy Johnson's leadership role. Jimmy J. shrugs and continues to look like the world's cuddliest grandpa, except of course for the raging beef baton under his pants.

Probst does his damnedest to make this a dramatic tribal council, but it's a total snore. To absolutely no one's surprise, Jimmy Johnson gets voted off. Jeff sends Espada on their way, but not before nagging them that they've now voted off the one person with proven leadership skills, so who's going to be the leader now? Hmmmm? (Uh, Weasel-Face Marty, obis.)

I'm totally disappointed in the older tribe for being such pussies and pretty much voting off a guy based on his career success. Also, now who's going to be the likable character on the show? Fabio? One thing's for certain: it sure as hell isn't NaOnka.

What did you think of this week's episode? Did you agree with Espada's decision to give Coach the boot?


Image via CBS


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