'Survivor Nicaragua' Recap: 'Are You Gay?'

Linda Sharps

In last week's premiere episode of Survivor we were introduced to Holly, who appeared to potentially be the token mentally unstable person on the older tribe. Our suspicious are confirmed this week when she randomly decides to dump an entire bucket of snails the tribe has gathered because in the fertile demento-land of her brain, snails are inedible.

Man, if she thinks snails are bad, I can't wait to see her trying to choke down a decomposed whale penis in the food challenge.

Espada tribe-mate Dan says, correctly, that Holly is crazy, which Holly overhears. She decides to retaliate by stealing his shoes, filling them with sand, and dumping them in the water. "Payback," she hisses, her eyes spinning like pinwheels.

The next day Dan starts looking for his shoes, which he says are alligator and cost $1,600. At this point, I'd like the entire show to grind to a halt because I have one single burning question: WHO BRINGS $1,600 SHOES ON FRICKIN' SURVIVOR?

Holly decides to confess to the shoe-theft. Dan grumbles that it's a good thing she's not a guy. I'd also add that it's a good thing they aren't all trapped in a remote location with a clinically insane person, but, well, that ship has clearly sailed.

Back on the La Flor tribe, we mostly get to know NaOnka, who seems like a friendly young gal except for the part where she's pretty much a total bitch.

On to the challenge, which is for both reward and immunity. Espada wisely decides to use the Medallion of Power, which they declined in the last challenge, and this time they win. Hooray for the older tribe!

On Espada they get a clue for the hidden immunity idol, which only Jill figures out. For some unfathomable reason, she tells Dan and Marty, and Dan digs up the idol. "I found the idol," he crows. Jill frowns. "I mean, we found the idol," he amends.

Smooth move, Jill.

On La Flor, everyone's scheming to figure out who should be voted out. (By the way, I notice that this time all the guys are wearing swimsuits instead of wet briefs, so thankfully we don't have to endure more Blur-Dong from the last show.) Shannon thinks Brenda should go home. Chase doesn't want to vote Brenda off but he has an alliance with Shannon. NaOnka wants Shannon out. Chase tells Brenda Shannon is trying to get rid of her. Everyone's freaking out.

Jud the Stupid Surfer guy moans, "This sucks. Nothing is as it seems," thus neatly summing up, like, the entire premise of Survivor.

We move to tribal council, complete with the requisite footage of snakes slithering around. HELLO THIS IS A SURVIVOR METAPHOR CALLING ARE WE REACHING?

Right away, and for no apparent reason, Shannon goes gunning for Chase, saying that if he doesn't vote for Brenda, Chase is going to go next. Once he's started in on Chase it's like a dam has been broken and Shannon starts letting his freak flag fly. Sash opens his mouth to say something, and Shannon cuts him off, saying, "Are you gay?"

The camera pans around everyone's horrified, uncomfortable faces.

Shannon keeps going, "New York is full of gay people." It seems like he's got the La Flor Tribe-Mate Who Is Being an Asshole for No Reason award in the bag, but wait, here comes NaOnka, who turns on Stupid Surfer Jud.

"Fabio, I don't like you," she says, abruptly.

"Can we just ... vote?" Jud whimpers, and all of a sudden I stop hating him for being a cocky dumbass. I like him even more when he turns in his vote, holding up the sign reading BRENDA and shrugging helplessly to the camera. "I, um, guess this is still our game plan?" he says, pathetically confused.

Sash turns in his vote for Shannon, and tells the camera, "You shouldn't have messed with the biggest bachelor in New York City. As they say in Nicaragua, hasta la vista."

(Two things, Sash. First thing, and not that it matters or makes Shannon less of a dick: dude, if you're not gay I'll eat my hat. Second thing: hasta la vista?)

The votes are tallied, and Shannon's sent packing. Whether or not he would have been voted out if he'd managed not to behave like a bigoted jerkweed during tribal, well, who knows. Jeff finger-wags La Flor, telling them, essentially, to get their shit together.

So far Espada seems much more stable than La Flor, with the notable exception of Holly on the older tribe. At this point, I've had a total change of heart on Jud/Fabio from the younger tribe, and I kind of hope he sticks around. It'll be interesting to see what kind of folks end up in the merge a few weeks from now, assuming they do one.

So what did you think of this week's episode? Do you think La Flor got rid of the right person?

Image via CBS

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