The highlight of the Season 11 premiere episode of Dancing With the Stars came at the very end when cast member David Hasselhoff delivered an open-mouthed dance to Tom Jones' "Sex Bomb" that may change the way I look at black cars, bouffants, lifeguards, and the entire country of Germany.
In all my days I shall never forget his hip gyrating, swagger, and drooling, open-mouthed intensity.
When Judge Carrie Ann Inaba told him he danced more with his "mouth than with his body," it was as if she saw my pain. My eyes! They are burned! Help me!
Bear in mind, this eye-searing performance came after two previous hours of mounting insanity.
A few highlights:
Sarah Palin was a no-show, but her daughter Bristol Palin gave a tepid, shy performance not befitting of the amount of anticipation leading up to it. Nevertheless, her presence kept the show rolling and did give a momentary thrill when she was announced as a "teen activist."
Really? "Teen activist"? I was pretty clear on the idea that she was most famous for faulty (if any) birth control, a working womb, and a famous mama. I guess that doesn't fit so well in the teleprompter.
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino filled my heart with bitterness, not only because of his ridiculous get-up and need to act like a celebrity, but also because he kind of is. His schtick was hilarious when he was just a somewhat douche-y Jersey boy, but now that he is set to make $5 million and is being mysteriously accepted by Hollywood, it's far less cute.
His dance was bad, but with only five days to learn it (he had much bigger commitments in Miami, baby!), we can cut him some slack.
The judges, however, didn't.
"You are going to look like a jackass if you carry on like that," Bruno told him. Oh, Bruno, how right you are. And how we all wish you had said that to him back about a year ago when he signed his first MTV release. The jackass boat has sailed, dragging "The Situation" behind it like some kind of dirty, STD-crusted barnacle.
Jennifer Grey was pegged as the winner early on and after tonight's waltz, I'm going to have to agree. It was beautiful and emotional (Patrick Swayze was mentioned) and aside from the fact that she looks nothing like the Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing thanks to a bad nose job, it was the best performance of the night.
Other famous faces on the show include Florence Henderson, who swears a lot more than Carol Brady; former NBA Player Rick Fox who is ridiculously sexy; football player Kurt Warner who isn't; pop star Brandy; Margaret Cho, who is hilarious; Michael Bolton -- the stiffest man I have seen in my life and not in a good way. The show also includes two people I know nothing about: reality star Audrina Patridge who I kind of know of and actor Kyle Massey whom I had never heard of until tonight.
It was a train wreck of a first show. Unlike in past seasons where I have complained that seasoned dancers have better shots at the mirror ball trophy, this one is truly amateur. They really dredged the bottom of the sea to come up with this cast.
And I, for one, am going to be riveted.
What did you think?
Image via ABC.com