The Survivor: Nicaragua premiere opens with some familiar scenery: lush greenery, stunning landscapes, Jeff Probst and his craggy man-dimples. The cast, divided into two teams, comes trudging over a hillside, everyone dressed as usual in completely unsuitable clothing because apparently no one's told them they're going to be wearing that shit in the jungle for like a month and hey, maybe a little wicking fabric would have been a better idea.
Probst sends them all scurrying up a lagoon to look for the "Medallion of Power," which some perky little girl named Brenda finds. Her team rejoices, only to be smugly informed by Jeff they're going to be split up into new teams -- the above-40 crowd in one tribe called Espada, the under-30 kids in another tribe named La Flor.
Brenda's medallion goes to the young tribe, and they opt to trade it to Espada for a flint and some fishing gear. Seems like a smart move, because surely the older tribe will be totally struggling to get a fire going and they'll all freeze and stuff because they're old, right?
Wrong. A lady named Jane on the Espada tribe instantly starts a fire with a pair of reading glasses like she's freaking MacGyver.
While Jane is bending the power of sunlight to her will, Espada's Holly rushes over to Wendy and fervently declares her undying love and devotion. "I like you and trust you. You and me together till the end," she hisses, wide-eyed. Presumably her next step is to boil Wendy's rabbit on a stove, because it's seriously just that weird. Wendy, for her part, tells the camera her husband predicted she'd be the first one to be voted off because she can't shut up, so her plan is to try and keep quiet.
Back on the La Flor tribe, we're introduced to several of the men, who appear to be complete douchebags. Since they don't have actual swimsuits (again: WHY?), they're strutting around in their boxer-briefs, which the camera has blurred out. Like, in every single scene. I can only assume their personal anatomy is a little too detailed through the thin wet cotton, but seriously? Are we going to be subjected to Blur-Dong all season? I hope one of the prizes includes a modesty patch. Or hey, how about a SWIMSUIT.
In La Flor, Kelly reveals she has a prosthetic leg. One of her tribe mates, a mouth-breathing surfer guy named Jud, wonders out loud how she tells it to work. Sadly, Kelly does not use her otherworldly cyborg powers to kick Jud's ass up inside his pea-sized brain.
Espada loses the first immunity challenge, and the older tribe goes back to camp to mope and discuss strategy. Jimmy the former NFL coach tells everyone he knows no one will give him a million dollars, and he's just in the game to help someone on his tribe win. Right, Jimmy. I bet you like a game called "just the tip," too.
At tribal council, Wendy totally abandons her STFU policy and asks Jeff for a chance to tell the tribe why she should stay. Unfortunately, her rambling attempt makes her sound painfully annoying, and everyone rolls their eyes and practices writing W-E-N-D-Y. No surprise, she's the first one voted off, with even Devoted Crazy-Eyes Alliance Friend-to-the-End Holly kicking her to the curb.
What have we learned from the first episode? Well, if your own husband says you're going to be the first to go, there's probably a reason why. Hard to say what will happen next week, but by the looks of the preview, it involves mud. And probably more strategically placed camera blurs.
What did you think of this first episode? Are you rooting for one tribe more than the other yet?
Image via CBS