'Bachelor Pad' Recap: Dumbest Couple Takes All!

Sasha Brown-Worsham
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All season, it has seemed like the bitter Bachelor Pad contestants were all about voting off the couples ...Now it seems the couples were right all along.

The episode started with a shocking (shocking!) twist. Boys could choose girls and any woman not chosen was sent packing. In a limo, natch. Try as they might, the Bachelor geniuses were not able to edit a single surprise into this episode and everything went as predicted. ****Spoilers Ahead****

This included sending Nikki, Ashley and Gwen home as Kiptyn chose Tenley (apparently he digs rainbows and sunshine); Jesse B. chose Peyton; Kovacs chose Crazy Pants Elizabeth (CPE) and Dave chose Natalie. See what I mean? Predictable.

Naturally they could not let Gwen go home without a few digs about her age.

Elizabeth, who is currently being used on television for vagina and money by a man she calls by his last name like some kind of sports buddy, got all empathetic and weepy as she watched Gwen go. 

"I mean, I could totally like be her and stuff," she said (I paraphrase). "She's like 40 and single." (THE HORROR!)

Don't worry, Elizabeth. As insane and stupid as you are (and as awful as your implants may be), you are still far more likely than say, Natalie, to get married sometime before your 40th birthday. Or not. Either way, I don't care because watching this train wreck is so worth it.

After her magnanimous show of empathy, Elizabeth and Kovacs who she "loves" (I'll get to that) go on to lose a water balloon toss to Natalie and Dave. This means Natalie and Dave get to go off in a Lamborghini leaving the other couples -- Tenley/Kipton, Dave/Natalie and CPE/Kovacs.

While much speculation surrounds whether Natalie and Dave will "seal the deal" (as if she did not put out three episodes ago), Tenley continues talking like she downed six helium balloons. I am always shocked that she does not have an entourage of small woodland creatures that trail behind her, so full of cheer, positivity and cheese is she. However, she did surprise me this episode by getting her game face on and talking tough strategy.

But the best moments of the show were had (as usual) by CPE who flashed her Damian-like eyes at Kovacs, made out with him on Dave and Natalie's Lamborghini and finally ended up trespassing into the fantasy suite and giving it up to Kovacs, a man who clearly did not appreciate it.

She then pulled the rookie moron mistake of trying to talk feelings ("I love you," she whines to radio silence from Kovacs) and asked whether she had just pulled the "stupid girl" move.

At this point, if I were friends with her, I would pull her aside and explain that whatever her first instinct is is almost 100 percent likely to be the "stupid girl move." Therefore, she should usually find some semblance of the smart girl's move somewhere around her fourth or fifth instinct.

Sadly, we are not friends and so she lives to humiliate herself another day while Kovacs goes on using her for both sex and money.

Is he really THAT hot? Jeesh.

The episode was basically a snooze fest, edited heavily to make us wonder if there might be an upset, but in the end, the final three are CPE/Kovacs, Tenley/Kiptyn and Dave/Natalie. At this point, only two things could surprise me:

1.) If the entire cast of the Bachelor Pad came back and teamed up with the cast of Dancing with the Stars in a sort of crazy dance-to-the-death finale that would leave only one man standing.

or

2.) Tenley is revealed to be the next Disney Princess after Rapunzel

Since it looks like number one is likely to happen judging from the previews for next week's finale, I won't be surprised a bit if number two comes true, too.

What did you think of tonight's episode?

 

Image via ABC.com

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