Oh, Speidi. So many questions about America's most inspiring couple.
Is there really a sex tape?
Was their marriage ever real in the first place?
What the hell is going on with Spencer's repulsive exploding head-fur, and why hasn't anyone clubbed him senseless and shaved it off for the good of mankind?
The story goes that Pratt is currently shopping a sex tape of Heidi Montag engaged in an adult act -- or possibly several adult acts -- with Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon, whose recent bikini-donning photos are probably meant to make her look super-hot but just make me think: Are you actually flossing your ass in public? Because, and I am just saying, I hope you haven't had corn lately.
Montag was supposedly all kinds of upset about this shocking development and it all seemed quite dramatic and awful for her, except for the part where Spencer was caught on camera in Costa Rice where he was, you know, totally hanging out with Heidi.
The golden couple decided to speak with PEOPLE in order to clear the air about this confusing turn of events, and Spencer stated that he was there to help Heidi move in.
Heidi says everything was great ... at first.
"We were really getting along and it was amazing he was being so thoughtful to help me move. Then things turned."
That's apparently when Spencer threatened her with the Paris Hilton Video Treatment.
"I told Heidi … if you don't want to do the new reality show with me, then I'll have to release old footage," the ever-charming Mr. Pratt told PEOPLE. "I can get $5 million from a sex tape, but I really don't want to do that."
Heidi, for her part, insists there is no tape.
"There is no sex tape that exists and there never was. Spencer is trying to drum up press. This is exactly why I wanted to divorce him in the first place."
Man, these two. Nothing would surprise me at this point. I could totally see this entire thing being an ongoing media stunt engineered by Pratt on his own, or by the two of them -- with Karissa Shannon's permission, of course, because surely this isn't hurting her, uh, career. The inclusion of a hot Playmate is actually genius, because let's face it, no one really wants to see Speidi on their own. (Gaah. The implants ... the flesh-toned pubic hair ... the crystals. BURN IT WITH FIRE.)
Is there really a tape? I kind of don't think so. But in the end, it doesn't matter -- we're still talking about them, either way. And I just wrote a whole article about these losers. WELL PLAYED, SPEIDI.
What do you guys think? Does the sex tape exist, or is it all another elaborate effort by Spencer and Heidi to get more attention?
Image via mtv.com