Simon's Replacement on 'American Idol': 3 Top Choices

Linda Sharps

Steven Tyler. Jennifer Lopez. Chris Isaak. Bret Michaels. Jessica Simpson. Justin Timberlake. Elton John. Shania Twain
. Some dude who really needs to shave that anemic peat-moss action he calls a beard.

At this point, who hasn't been rumored to be joining the American Idol judges' table? And do we even care any more, now that slurry Paula is long gone, Ellen bailed, Kara's rumored to be out, and our beloved Simon has departed in order, presumably, to more fully enjoy rolling around naked on his many stacks of trillion-dollar bills?
I don't know about you, but Simon was probably my favorite part of the show. I mean, sure, I guess the singing was okay and all, but really, it was all about Simon's response to the eager would-be star who stood there trembling in anticipation of his acerbic feedback. Would he tell someone they looked like a bush baby? Would he randomly call Ryan Seacrest's heterosexuality into question for the fiftieth time? Would he confess that he had no idea what the singer's name was, since their personality was so very dull? Would he say it was like bad karaoke on a cruise ship during a wedding? WHAT, SIMON, WHAT?

As far as I'm concerned, if the Idol producers don't find someone equally (cruelly) entertaining, the show's going to be as lame as that turdfest America's Got Talent. Forget all the cheesy pop stars in the lineup, let's get a real asshole on board, you know what I mean? 

Fox, listen up. I've got your list of top 3 contenders right here:

Sam the Eagle. HELLO. GENIUS. He's conservative and grouchy and his mouth is all turtley just like Simon's. Plus, maybe they could re-create this classic dialogue from The Muppet Show:

Sam the Eagle: I have seen some pretty WEIRD guests on this show, but this Elton John borders on the revolutionary! 
Kermit: Sam, Elton John is a very important musician. 
Sam the Eagle: Then why does he dress like a stolen car? 

A Disapproving Rabbit. No dialogue. Just total silence at the end of every performance, the camera on the rabbit's face. Minutes go by. Nothing happens. The contestant squirms uncomfortably onstage. The audience holds its breath. The rabbit stares, disapprovingly. The contestant bursts into helpless, hysterical tears. Aaaand—Ford commercial!

R. Lee Erney. You know what, let's just go balls-out with this business of torturing the contestants. You know how Simon would skewer their performance, but kind of sit there shrugging all Brit-like and saying, "Well, I'm sorry, but it's true!" R. Lee, better known as the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket, wouldn't bother with that crap. No, sir. He'd be screaming in the singers' faces while a giant vein popped out of his neck. They'd have to bleep every other word out of his mouth. If they forgot the lyrics, he'd make them get down and choke themselves, and they'd better sound off like they've got a pair. He'd be telling some bug-eyed teenager to start wipe that stupid look off their faces before he gouged out their bleeping eyeballs and skull-bleeped them. Oh man, it would be awesome.

Okay, for REAL, who are you hoping to see in Simon's place this season? Do you think it should be someone who can be as obnoxiously honest, or someone more supportive?
Image via Amrican Idol
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