'True Blood' Recap: The Stackhouse Effect

Sasha Brown-Worsham
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I learned a lot on tonight's episode of True Blood, like, for instance: Did you know that half of a severed spine looks a lot like a delicious lobster? No? Well, now we both do.

In a season that has topped itself each night with More Blood! More Guts! More Sex! Episode 6 of Season 3 did not disappoint, and with only three more episodes left, we're getting closer than ever to answers.

****Spoiler Alert****

Of course, that doesn't mean we have any.

Crystal and Jason (Ryan Kwanten) got closer, but her mystery deepened. Some things we learned about her tonight:

  • Her people can get out of handcuffs
  • And, like, not, like EVERYBODY she knows is a meth head

Ah, Jason Stackhouse, he sure can pick 'em.

Come to think of it, the entire Stackhouse family seems to be a bit relationship-deficient, which perhaps explains a bit about why slutty, slutty Jason can't seem to keep his pants on and always falls in love with the crazies.

I would highly advise any sane person to stay the hell away from the Stackhouses. Attracting drama and mayhem is what they do best.

Not to be outdone by her brother, Sookie (Anna Paquin) also brings the batshit, making out with a blood-soaked Bill (Stephen Moyer) as the water in her shower runs red and he pokes at the holes he left in her neck.

Yummy.

Meanwhile, Bill pays a visit to the garden of happy ladies with flowing locks and pretty dresses, the same place Sookie visited last week when she was in her coma. He tackled Sookie's friend I will affectionately refer to as British Chick (like a gentleman always does) and then proceeded to try to bite her. Naturally, he was thwarted by her light bolt.

At this point, my main question is obvious: Are Lost and True Blood going to have a crossover episode where the keepers of the light (British Chick and Hurley) get to hang out and play harp music and give enigmatic answers to straightforward questions?

But I digress.

The Stackhouses still have a lot of lives to ruin in the episode. For instance, Jason still has to slay vampire Franklin to save Tara, which WOULD totally make him a stud except that he's the one who killed Eggs (Tara's love) in cold blood on last year's season ender. This is what messed Tara up in the first place.

A Stackhouse give and a Stackhouse taketh away ...

But Jason has so many other lives to destroy. He also manages to get Crystal away from her family, but soon she's smart enough to see that even a meth head den of control freaks is preferable to the Stackhouse effect, which will alternately bind and make you want to tie yourself to a twisted Vampire King instead of spending another second with them.

Bill is a classic example.

He spends 90 percent of the episode trying to learn what Sookie is so he can protect her and she spends 90 percent of the episode claiming she doesn't need protection (that blood in the shower or dead body in her living room notwithstanding).

We also get to know a bit more about Jason and Sookie's cousin who was living with the Vampire Queen until recently and is now making payphone calls from an aquarium in the South. She also has a son who can read minds, but she drags him away from Sookie before they can chat.

In other non-Stackhouse news, the Vampire King is waging war after Eric killed his lover and Eric himself has been sharged with the task of killing the King himself by the (highly hypocritical) head of the V-Feds. They came to question Eric about the disappearance of the magistrate, but learned a whole lot more in the process.

But no last moment of the show could be complete without a little blood soup, so the show ended with three bits of information:

  • Bill has learned what Sookie is.
  • The head of the V-Feds drinks blood from the inner thigh of a sexy woman whose breasts might actually have been both large and real -- a rarity in Hollywood and on the show.
  • The inside of a spine looks like a lobster.

And that's why True Blood bringeth the ratings, folks. Can't wait to see more.

What did you think of last night's episode?

 

Image via HBO.com

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