Kim G removes the gloves! And who knew she had such a dirty mouth? So much drama and sadness on tonight's Real Housewives of New Jersey. Here's the rundown:
The show kicks off with Joe and Teresa planning baby Audriana's christening as if it were Chelsea Clinton's wedding. Because nothing says commitment to God like ordering up an ice sculpture with an infant's name. Joe looks sick as they plan for a cocktail hour and sit-down dinner. Which must be how he feels knowing he's about to go into bankruptcy for shelling out for these luxuries for his baby daughter who cannot eat, or drink hard alcohol.
Cut to: Danielle taking Christine to her first OB/GYN appointment. That's right, she had a camera at her daughter's first OB/GYN appointment. While they're capturing on film the most mortifying doctor's appointment of a young girl's life, Danielle pushes Christine about her sex life. Christine is dying. DYING. She begs her mom to stop.
In her increasingly insane and contradictory interviews, Danielle says out loud that she believes the only way to have safe sex is abstinence. Which, actually, isn't sex at all. Danielle also listens as the doc does a good job of explaining why Christine should get the HPV vaccine, and Danielle determines that sex is "gross." So basically we've just watched Danielle completely screwing up her oldest daughter about sex. Congrats Danielle! You're just the BEST mom.
Joe is a mess. We all know about his financial woes, so it's fascinating to watch him physically and mentally lose it as the family gets ready for Audriana's christening. That dude is soooo depressed and irritable. On the way to the church, Joe says Teresa can't have any more parties and directs his wife to the $5 shoe store. If only she would listen.
Let the Kim G/Danielle drama begin!
Danielle comes over to Kim G's house searching for the rich ladies' influence and/or cash. She's interested in finding her birth mom, who was 14 when she got pregnant with Danielle. Says she just wants to smell her. Little does Kim G know this obsession with smelling her birth mother is about to blow their (sick, twisted) friendship wide open.
Meanwhile, back at the christening: The ceremony was beautiful, and the party was insane. A woman dressed as Marie Antoinette surrounded by a table, a la Barbie doll cake, was serving sushi. Food and ice had "God Bless Audriana" emblazoned on the surface. The cake was one of the fanciest wedding cakes I've ever seen. And what kind of christening party has disco lights? Oh, right, it was so Joe and Teresa could have a first dance with the baby. That's right, a FIRST DANCE WITH THE BABY. Joe leaves early because he doesn't want to see the bill. That man is so beat down.
In more therapy fodder for Christine and Jillian, Danielle takes the girls out to dinner at their favorite diner where Christine tells Danielle she's heard about her search for her biological mom. Danielle loses it and must step outside to call Danny while her daughters implore her to not freak out. Jillian eats her mom's fries.
Danielle's system of revenge on Kim G was to send out emails to other ladies telling them not to be friends with Kim G. This makes Kim G disproportionally angry and she shows up at Jacqueline's house all crazy and street Jersey. Kim G doesn't even get in the door before she starts dropping the f-bomb about Danielle.
Jacqueline is like, you brought on this on yourself, and why are you cussing in front of my baby? Kim G says Danielle can scratch her ass. I wonder if Kim G knows that money can't buy you class.
Danny and Danielle are a creepier couple than Angelina Jolie and her brother. You know they have, or will have, drunk, dirty sex. There's no other rational explanation for Danny hanging around listening to the nuthouse unless he's getting some serious kink. Danielle has called Danny over for a very serious mission. Apparently that mission involves driving Danielle to meet Kim G for lunch. And maybe waiting in the parking lot in case Kim G tries to kill her. Yes, definitely waiting in the parking lot in case Kim G tries to kill her.
Lunch! Danielle confronts Kim G and we realize we need another diagnosis of the housewives. Kim G is sick of Danielle telling her what to do. While throwing a napkin at Danielle, Kim G screams, "You're a goddamn fucking liar and a sneak, Danielle!" The fight goes to the lobby then outside with Kim cursing out Danielle all the way. Yes, Kim G goes there and screams at Danielle about her square tits.
Next week, Joe's arrested for drunk driving. The Giudices take a trip to Venice (or is it Vegas?) to forget about all their money troubles.
Image via Bravo