The road from the Jersey Shore to Miami is paved with fireworks, mud, and fried pickles as Pauly D and The Situation team up in one suburban, and Snooki and JWoww in another.
The two vehicles filled with guidos and guidettes tool down Interstate 95, trying to be the first to get to their new digs in Miami. Ronnie, Sammi, Vinny, and -- surprise -- Angelina chose the faster option of air travel.
A few observations right off the bat: Ronnie’s hair is a nightmare without product. And Pauly D and The Situation should have been cited for not wearing seat belts. Obviously DJ P and The Sitch think the dream team is indestructible. Which explains why they loaded an entire shopping cart with fireworks in South Carolina, and proceeded to shoot them off on the side of the road. The Situation is old enough to know better.
Snooki has found an amazing gorilla juicehead back home in New York. Giving her a huge dilemma as she heads off to Miami. She doesn’t want to cheat while she’s away, but she’s not responsible for her actions after she drinks SoCo. Which is so totally reasonable.
Snooki also tees off on Obama’s tanning tax, as we’ve heard before, and explains in a completely racist way why she voted for McCain and not Obama. Just wait until she bashes “trannies” in an upcoming episode. No one ever said Snooki was PC. Nope.
The rumors are true, Sammi has lost weight, and Ronnie. Don’t worry, Ronnie is drowning his sorrows by sticking his face in fake boobs all over the club. Snooki explains it all beautifully. No, really!
Sweet Vinny has his entire family sending him off, with his mother saying how she might come after her boy. So much family support this kid has! His uncles are just terrific. They wish Vinny well down south and are really rooting for Vinny to “bang everything.” Awww, how nice is it to have blood relatives cheering for p***y?
Angelina decides to try this crowd out again, and this time she has suitcases. After a quick vag wax, she lands in Miami and demands to room with Pauly D and The Situation -- both of whom she has hooked up with previously. She offers her services again to the boys when it becomes clear that all the other girls hate her.
JWoww and Snooki apparently took the scenic route to Miami and arrive last. Neither of those bitches will talk to Angelina because she has talked smack about the other ladies. Angelina tries to stay classy (see vag wax, offer of sex to DJ Pauly and Situation) and constantly reminds us of that fact. The girl tension in the house comes to a head in a cab on the way to the club when JWoww asks Angelina if she wants to step outside (um, the cab) to settle things. Even better, JWoww STANDS UP (yes, still in the cab) and threatens to beat Angelina’s ass. This is on day 1, y'all!
But the fighting isn’t over yet, not by a long shot. Ronnie gets drunk and primal and goes after Sammi. They both are blaming each other for ... something. The break-up? The bad press? I probably could have understood what exactly was happening if the two had consumed a little less vodka and little more freshman vocab. As it was, Ronnie winds up calling Sammi the “c” word (also in a cab!) and heading back into the club to stick his tongue down the throat of any lady in licking distance.
The first episode of the Jersey Shore ends with Sammi talking about how she still loves Ronnie. Meanwhile he’s drunk and sweaty, falling on the floor, riding the pole, beating up the beat, and simulating sex with grenades. I think we can plan on spending some time with this story line for the next 60 days!
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